In His Shadow
by KymberlyBlack
Summary: The Hawke family name was well known in Kirkwall. Their adventures were things of legend. But little was known of Helena, the youngest Hawke member. She was neither warrior nor mage. A simple baker, quietly living in the large shadow her surname cast upon her. That is, until she is thrust into the madness that is her families world.
1. Chapter 1

Hawke was well known in Kirkwall, along with his younger sister Bethany and his companions. However, little was known about his youngest sister, Helena.

"Hawke, will you please talk some sense into her!"

I looked to Garrett with pleading eyes. He was the eldest male member of our family. Besides Gamlen, but he didn't count.

"Helena, this is not a bad arrangement," he offered.

I pulled a snarl.

"I do not wish to marry a man I do not know," I snapped.

"Dear, do not make that face. It's not lady like."  
"You never say anything about Bethany being unladylike like!"

I watched my mother sigh. I knew she was just trying to do what's best for me, but I was happy where I was.

"I don't have time for this," I got up and headed out of the room. The family estate was quiet large, but sometimes it still felt stifling. Living in the shadow of Hawke and Bethany was sometimes difficult. I was not a warrior, nor a mage. I was a baker.

 _Hawke Estate-_

"Mother, she is young. We have all the money we could ever need. Marrying her off isn't necessary," Hawke tried to placate his anxiety ridden mother.

"She isn't like you, or Bethany. She can't take care of herself Hawke. She needs someone."

"Mother, Helena is perfectly safe," Bethany offered.

"This would have been a good match for her," their mother huffed as she looked into the fire.

"Helena is beautiful, she has no trouble catching the eyes of men. Let her choose who she wishes to be with."

Hawke left it at that, leaving his estate to go and speak to his littlest sister.

 _Helena's POV-_

"Sweetheart, your looking awfully angry," Varric smiled as he walked through the door. I lifted the large chunk of dough and smashed it back onto the wooden table, sending a cloud of flour everywhere.

"Wanna talk about it?" he leaned against the door frame.

"Mother tried to marry me off...again!"

Varric laughed.

"She's just worried about you gorgeous."

"Why though? I don't go adventuring. I don't play cards, drink or even go into Lowtown alone."

Varric came forward to stand on the other side of the table. He smiled at me.

"You're the baby. And you _don't_ go adventuring or have magic."

Just then Garrett walked through the door.

"I'm not marrying him!" I slammed the dough down again. Varric laughed.

"I told mother it's your choice Helena. I won't force you to do anything you don't want to do."

I glanced up at him and smiled. His black hair was messy, and my anger at him melted away.

"What?" he asked.

"Thank you."

"Andraste's tits, that smile alone is the reason men approach your mother for your hand," Varric grinned.

"Hush Varric," I felt my cheeks heat up at his compliments. Varric had been kind to me since I met him, but it was nothing more than brotherly type love. I was only fifteen when we arrived four years ago. A child.

"How goes the bakery?" Garrett asked, changing the subject.

"It's excellent. Helena is a shrewd business partner," Varric replied.

"Varric, you've been showering me with flattery today. Am I to suspect that you require a favor from me?"

Varric itched the back of his head, it was a dead give away. He was uncomfortable.

"Well, yeah. Now that you mention it..."

He didn't seem to want to speak of it, which made me think it was about his mother. She was depressed and to fight her depression she drank heavily. He didn't speak much of his family, but he did tell me bits and pieces. He trusted me.

"I'll get right on it," I smiled at him, knowing exactly what he needed me to do. He let out a breath and smiled sadly.

"Thanks gorgeous."

"What's the favor?" Garrett asked, looking between the two of us.

"A bread delivery," I lied easily. "To the Tethras estate."

Garrett nodded. He assumed Varric was still angry with his brother and that's why he never wanted to return to his parent's estate, lest he run into his brother there. But the truth was much deeper.

"Finish this dough and I'll go now," I told Varric. He took his gloves off and tossed them on the chair.

"Yes Ma'am!" he dipped his hands into the clean bucket and dried them on the cloth I had tied to the edge of the table. I watched him rub flour on his hands and get started kneading the dough. It made me smile.

 _High Town Market-_

I gathered the supplies to make the remedy Varric needed for his mother. True, he could buy it from several potions makers, but he wanted discretion. The same lie can only be told so many times before people start talking. And rumors in a town like this were worse than murder.

"Hello Helena, haven't seen you in a few days," Hubert smiled to me.

"Baking for you all keeps me very busy," I joked with him. He laughed.

"And such wonderful bread you make! My wife and children beg me for more of it!"

We chatted back and forth until I watched his face fall, become pale and frightened. I turned around to see what had caused such a reaction from him. Standing behind me, tall as a mountain and twice as dangerous was a Qunari soldier.

"Bas," he rumbled out. I was not fluent in their tongue, but I knew it was a just this side of insulting term for non-Qunari.

"Messere," I offered, unsure of what exactly the large man wanted. Hubert smartly followed and addressed him as well.

"You are the sibling of Hawke," he stated.

"I am. Helena Hawke, at your service Messere," I even curtsied. Hawke and Varric had told me many stories about the Qunari and how the littlest thing could be seen as an insult.

"The Arishok demands your presence."

I felt my mouth go dry. What did the Arishok want with me? My heart kicked into over drive, and I felt a little weak at the knees. I was about to tell him no, that I would not meet with the Arishok, but I took notice of everyone in the market watching us. Our interaction. If I told him no, he might just drag me away, as his orders probably were. That would only add to the unrest surrounding the giants. I nodded my head once, doing what I thought Hawke would do. Being brave.

The Qunari turned and I assumed I was to follow him. The walk through High Town with a Qunari escort was something of a scene. Everyone scattered but not to far, they wished to see what was happening. It was a long walk to the docks, and I was sure that by now Hawke had heard of what was happening and was probably rushing down here.

The large metal gates opened and I immediately swung my eyes down. I had no quarrel with any of these men. And even if I did, it would be a hopeless cause. I was several heads shorter and many times smaller than even the smallest Qunari.

"This is the one you seek, sibling to Hawke."

I finally looked up and wished that I hadn't. Sitting on a large wooden bench, was an equally large Qunari that I assumed was the Arishok. I froze. He had very large horns, and his pointed ears were pierced three times on each side. I stopped looking at him and bowed my head.

"Messere," I curtsied low and continued to keep my head down.

"You are a well behaved basra," his voice was deep and made goosebumps break out on my skin. I set my jaw, knowing that this term was ruder than the one before.

"What can I do for you?" I asked. My eyes were glued to the stones near my feet, and how interesting the ground could be.

"Why do you stare at the ground basra? Are we unworthy of your eyes?"

That made me snap my head up. I met his dark, dark eyes with my lite green ones.

"I am unfamiliar with the Qunari, I do not want to offend anyone."

A few chuckles rumbled around me.

"Has your brother told you nothing of us?"

"Very little, he wishes to spare me."  
"He wishes to spare you from us? For one who does not wish to offend you are doing much of it."

"You are twisting my words!" I frustratingly cried. "You summoned me here, what is it that I can do for you?"

He stopped pacing and moved closer to me. I took a tentative step back, and bumped into a what I assumed was the Qunari who escorted me here.

"You are a baker, are you not?" he asked, standing less than six inches from me. I had to crane my head far back to see his stern face.

"I am, are you in need of my services?"

I felt the wall behind me move slightly, and heard a snort like noise.

"I require 25 loaves of bread a day."

"Five sovereigns a week, with delivery," I offered.

He looked at me hard, but I kept his eyes.

"That is less than your competitors charge."

"I am the only baker who serves both High and Low town. I adjust my price by what my clients can pay."

"You think us unable to pay?"  
"I think you would prefer to spend more on meats, then bread. My fee takes into account the number of you, which seems sizable, and what else you need to spend your coin on. Also on the fact that you do not receive much work, and are shipwrecked in a land that is not your own. And the fact that I enjoy helping others, even if they are not the kindest."

"HELENA!" I turned my head to see Hawke rushing in, with Varric, Andres and Fenris.

"Come here gorgeous," Varric moved forward and gently grabbed my arm, steering me away from the Arishok.

"What is the meaning of this?" Hawke demanded. "Why have you kidnapped my sister?"

"I wasn't kidnapped," I spoke up. Everyone turned to look at me.

"You were seen being dragged through town by a Qunari soldier," Hawke angrily spouted.

"I was escorted, not dragged. Look at me. Do I look as though anything uncouth has happened to me?"

"You sure your okay sweetheart?" Varric quietly asked me.

"A little unsettled, but unharmed," and to push my point home, I smiled at him. Big and bright.

"She's fine," Varric loudly announced. "Look at that smile Hawke."

"Come Garrett, walk me home," I held my hand out for him.

He looked at me, and then to the Arishok.

"Whatever our dealings, she is to be left out of it," With that he took my arm and led me away from the Qunari compound.

As soon as we were out, I told them all what had transpired, Andres checking me for any injuries and Fenris just staring at me, as he always did. It always felt like he had hostility rolling off of him, and it might be my imagination, but it felt like some of it was aimed at me.

"Thank you Andres," I smiled at him.

"You are more than welcome Helena," he nodded.

"There she goes, he'll be the next one knocking on your door asking for her hand," Varric teased.

I grinned.

"Don't be jealous now Varric, you know I only have eyes for you," I teased him back. Andres was still blushing but he shot me a grateful nod. Varric laughed. Fenris pushed off the wall and walked away, saying nothing.

"What's his problem?" Varric watched him go.

"He was probably just spoiling for a fight," Andres said. "I'm going back to my clinic Hawke."

I watched Garrett nod to him, and then he turned his icy blue eyes on me.

"Why did you go with him?" he asked, moving to invade my personal space. When I didn't speak right away, he crossed his large forearms across his chest and waited. Varric chuckled.

"I didn't want to cause a scene. There is already unrest surrounding the Qunari, I didn't want to make it any worse."

"They could have killed you."

"Why would they?"

"Next time, don't go."

I sighed.

"I've got to get back to the shop."

"Sandal is there," Hawke seemed unworried.

"Sandal is a wonderful boy, but he isn't a baker. And now I've got even more orders to fill."

"You aren't really going to go through with that gorgeous?"

"Of course I am. Coin is coin. If they can pay then they can have bread. I don't discriminate."

Varric nodded his head.

"We should charge them double," he grumbled as he headed off. I assumed he was going back to his room at the Hanged Man. Garrett would follow. That was where Isabella was.

"Go," I said, knowing he wanted to.

"I can..." but I could see his heart wasn't in it.

"I'm fine. I'm going straight to the shop. Sandal and I will be home later."

He nodded and left, without looking back. The deep roads had changed him. Changed everyone.

As soon as he was out of sight Andres came out from his hiding spot.

"I thought he would never leave," he looked at me.

"He's worried."

"As he should be. Are you sure this is alright? You don't owe us anything."

"It's the right thing to do Andres. Mages have the same rights as everyone else."

"Thank you," he picked my hand up and kissed it.

"I'll leave the back door open, Sandal will take them through the passages. How many will be coming tonight?"

"I am not sure, a dozen, maybe more."

"I'll start prepping for them."

He nodded and left, this time for real.

I headed toward my shop, thinking. It had been three months since I had begun to assist Andres sneak mages out via my basement. Sandal was a willing participant, but I don't believe he truly understood what he was doing. I would protect him, if we were ever caught. I would take the sole blame, as his caregiver.

I had a feeling Fenris knew, or suspected me. That was why he looked so put out every time he saw me. Andres laughed when I told him, but he promised to be more careful. I wasn't even to the shop when Sandal came running over to me.

"Come!" he grabbed my hand in a crushing grip and took off. I had no choice but to follow him. He was leading me home. There was a throng of people surrounding our estate, and my heart dropped when I saw Templars.

"Bethany!" I screamed, pushing my way through the crowd. A hand caught my arm up high, keeping me in the crowd.

"There is nothing you can do for her now," I turned to see Fenris. I looked forward again to see Bethany and my Mother weeping. I shrugged free of Fenris and pushed my way to the clearing.

"Bethany!" she looked up.

"Helena!" I rushed forward and hugged her.

"Stand back please," a blonde haired Templar tried to separate us. "She needs to come with us."

I began to cry. They were taking her to the circle.

"No," I tried to hold her, even as he pried her away from me. A gentle push was all it took to send me to the ground as I tripped over my own feet. I scrambled back up, only to be met by a wall of templars.

"It has to be done Miss," one said.

"Bethany!" I called to her, but she didn't respond. My mother came to me, tears on her face.

"Where is your brother?" she asked, letting go of me. The crowd began to disperse, Bethany was gone.

"Mistress is sad," I felt a tug on my dress and looked to see Sandal's pretty blue eyes rimmed with tears. I felt my own coming back and reached down for him. He pressed himself against me tightly, hiding his face in the waist of my dress. I gently pet his hair, trying to soothe him.

"This was inevitable," I looked up to see Fenris.

"This is what you wanted, isn't it?" I glared at him. "All mages, taken to the circle, ripped away from their families. I hope your happy."

He stood there, looking at me.

"It's for the best."

"The best for whom? Not Bethany, nor myself. My mother is a wreck, even Sandal is upset."

"You servant boy is only upset because you are. He cares nothing for your sister," he snapped at me. I stepped forward, and he flinched back, like I was going to strike him.

"Please leave Fenris," I said politely.

"And if I won't?"

"I can't make you, do as you will. Come Sandal," I took his hand. I glanced around for mother. She was crying in Gamlen's arms. I nodded to him. He nodded back. Despite his nefarious ways, he cared greatly for mother.

"Where are you going?" Fenris asked.

"To find my brother."

I walked hand in hand with Sandal, stopping to buy him some sweets as we headed into Lowtown. I had never been down here, and thought I would get lost. But it wasn't much different from Hightown, street wise.

I found the hanged man rather easily, as there was a large hanging man in front of the building. I was just about to open the door when I felt a hand on my shoulder.

"This is not a place for...a woman like you."

I turned to glance at Fenris over my shoulder.

"I will be alright. I have you, after all."

I opened the door and the first thing to hit me was the smell. It was stale alcohol, body odor, and Andraste knows what else.

"It stinks," Sandal said, finally seeming to realize we weren't still out on the streets.

"It does indeed," I agreed. I looked around for Garrett. But I didn't see him.

I moved forward, spotting a hallway. Maybe he was back there?

I was two tables in when a hand snaked around my waist and pulled me flush to them. I was startled to find I did not know this person. He reeked, like he hadn't bathed in days.

"Haven't seen you around here before," he spoke and I had to hold my breathe. The smell coming out of his mouth.

"Let her go," I heard Fenris say, his deep voice cutting through the air, commanding attention.

"To good to be true," the man holding me said. His grip around me began to loosen, but then he leaned in, like he wanted to kiss me. I leaned away.

"Stop!" I pushed at him, but he smirked and leaned in closer. The man's face erupted into one of pain and he released me so quickly I almost fell. Fenris caught me and I saw it was Sandal who had saved me.

"Why'd you hit me?" the man was asking Sandal, who was standing with his fist clenched.

"Mother said stop," he replied in his childishly dreamy voice.

"You've got a mean swing, I think you may have broken my rib!" the man demanded.

"Count yourself lucky then," Fenris growled out.

"Come Sandal, let's find Garrett," I held my hand our for him. He smiled and took it.

The man walked away and we moved further into the dimly lit tavern.

"Why did he call you mother?" Fenris asked.

I shrugged.

"He has never done it before, I don't know why he's started. I'll have to speak with his father when we get home."

"Mistress," I felt Sandal tug on my arm and I looked to see where he was pointing. Garrett was just coming out of the hallway, he was still tying his trouser strings.

Fenris made a noise, which I felt might have been him expressing his discomfort with the situation. Garrett was laughing with a woman who I had to assume was Isabella. She was scantly clothed, and hanging all over him.

I waited, knowing when he looked up he would see us. And then he did. His smile fell when it landed on my face. No doubt due to the tear stains still upon it.

"Helena?" he seemed shocked and confused to find me here. "Fenris?"

"Is this your little sister?" the woman detached herself from him and swayed over to me. "By the gods Hawke! She is gorgeous. I thought Varric was yanking my chain."

She moved like she was going to touch my face and I flinched back. I doubt very much she washed herself and judging by what she and my brother were just doing, I wanted nothing to do with her hands on me.

Luckily for me, Fenris was fast. He snatched her hand away before it got to close.

"Easy there elf. I was only going to touch just a little."

She shot me a wink and turned back to my brother.

"I didn't know your sister was with the elf...and that he doesn't like to share," she sighed. " A pity, I bet she would be loads of fun."

He looked confused for a second, and I was outraged he didn't defend me against her advances.

"She would never touch a creature such as yourself," Fenris glared at her.

"Thank you Fenris," I felt the need to make Garrett see that Fenris was acting more like a brother to me in this moment than he was.

"What are you doing here?" He finally asked.

"I came to tell you that while you were...doing whatever it is you do here, the templars came and took Bethany to the circle."

He became very pale and moved forward towards me. I didn't want him to touch me either. He was drunk, and half dressed. I stepped back.

"When you are sober, and have cleaned yourself, come home. Mother needs you." With that I turned, and headed back out of the tavern. Varric was just coming our from somewhere to the left and he smiled when he saw me.

"Gorgeous! What are you doing..." but one look at my face and his smile fell. "Gorgeous?"

I didn't acknowledge him as I opened the door and left. I took a deep breath once I hit the street. The air was so much lighter. Cleaner.

"You were right Fenris, that is no place for me."

"Do not judge your brother to harshly for his behavior in there. When you live each day not knowing if it will be your last, you sometimes..."

"He may conduct himself anyway he chooses to when he is outside our home. But when he is in it, he better be the person he made us all believe he is."

 _Hawke Estate-_

"How is she?"

Gamlen turned to look at me.

"Terrible, but she is resting. Where have you been?"

"I went to collect Garrett," Sandal released my hand and went over to hug his father.

"Bodahn," I addressed Garrett's man servant.

"Yes Mistress?" he looked a little worried.

"Sandal called me Mother today," I informed him. He looked at me and then to Sandal.

"I am sorry Mistress, he has been calling you that for some time now, to me, but I didn't know he had started calling you it. I'll find a way to curve him from it."

"It's not a problem Bodahn, I was just curious."

"You are too kind Mistress."

"I want some salamanders!" Sandal said suddenly.

"I'm sure there are some in the courtyard behind the house Sandal," I smiled. He seemed to be processing the information before he grinned and walked away.

"I better follow him Mistress," Bodahn.

"Why do you allow that servant to speak to you so?" Gamlen snarked. He seemed to forget or maybe he didn't notice that Fenris had entered with me. Either way, I heard a rumble come from him.

"They are not our servants Gamlen. They work for us, but we do not own them."

He shook his head, grumbling about not being proper with servants and walked away.

"Can I get you anything Fenris?"

He turned to look at me.

"Why do you not allow Bodahn to be your slave? Hawke says he has offered his services several times free of charge. He even calls himself Hawke's man servant. But Hawke says you will not allow it."

"You can not _own_ someone. It's wrong."

He nodded. And then I smiled.

"Just like caging a mage is wrong."

He groaned.

"You had to ruin it," he smiled. Smiled!

"I'm worried about Bethany," I moved into the sitting room, getting close to the fire for warmth.

"She is strong, she'll be fine," he moved quietly, I didn't hear him follow me.

"What if they turn her tranquil?"

"If she follows the rules and doesn't make trouble, they will have no reason to make her tranquil."

I sighed. Even though she and I weren't close, I missed her. I wrapped my arms around myself.

"I hate this city," I whispered. "It's so heartless."

"You are just to kind."  
"Maybe."

"Helena?!" I heard Garrett's voice and sighed.

"In here."

He entered and seemed surprised to see Fenris.

"I will take my leave now," And then Fenris was gone. Garrett walked him to the door and came back quickly.

"Something happening between you two that I should know about?" he inquired.

"Even If there were, it wouldn't be any of your business," I informed him.

"What's wrong?" he sighed.

"Wrong? Oh nothing. Bethany is in the circle, mother is despondent. And I find out you hide in a tavern getting drunk until someone shakes a bag of coins at you, and then you go and risk everything."

I felt tears leaking from my face. This city had changed everything, everyone.

"I'm sorry you had to see me like that," he sighed. "But I am still the head of this house."

"Yes, you are." I turned to look at him finally. "And that means you have responsibilities."

"You are one of my responsibilities," he sighed. "So if your...with Fenris, it's alright. I just want to know who to threaten."

I laughed.

"I am not with Fenris. I am with no one. He was worried about me going into Lowtown alone."

"I can't say he would be my first choice for you. Truth be told, I don't think any man will be good enough for you."

I shook my head and suddenly remembered Andres.

"I have to go out!" It was getting late, and if the door to the shop wasn't open...

"What? At this hour?"

"Yes."

"Where?"

"I'm using the tunnels in the basement of the shop to help Andres sneak mages out of the city."

He looked at me like I grew a second head.

"You WHAT?!"  
"We've been doing it for months now. I can't be late," I grabbed my cloak and hurried towards the door.

"Helena," Garrett grabbed my arm.

"Garrett, this is on me. I understand completely what I am doing, the consequences are mine. Go tend to mother."

With that I shut the door and scurried off to the bakery.

"What happened?" Andres asked as soon as I opened the back door. No one was here yet.

"I am so sorry to have kept you. It's been a trying day."

"Has something happened? You have tear marks..."

"The templars came and took Bethany to the circle," I sniffled a little, doing my best to not break down. That was for later. Right now Andres needed me. The mages needed me.

"Helena," Andres gave me a sad, knowing look. He moved closer and for a moment I thought he was going to embrace me, but then a small group of mages showed up. And the work began.

I began to work in earnest, getting my dough ready and setting up the deliveries for the next day. If anyone came around, suspicious of the activity, I could simply show them my prep work.

It was late, well into the night when I heard a knock on the front door. Andres froze. The last few mages froze.

"Go," I instructed him. "Bolt the door after you."

"Wait here, I will come and walk you home."

I waved him away as I headed to the front.

Bringing the lantern with me, I peeked through the glass of the windows. I couldn't see who it was.

"Who is it?"

"Templars my lady, we have word from your sister Bethany."

I set the lantern down quickly and unbolted the door. But it was not templars. In fact, I had never seen these men in my life.

"I am sorry for the lie my lady, but you see I have lost something, and I believe you can assist me in regaining it."

I felt dread fall into my stomach. This man, he was elegantly dressed, with many in tow. He must be important. Before I could speak, I felt my eyes growing heavy, until they closed entirely.

"Wake her up!"

"I'm trying!"

"Try harder!"

"I can't believe he did this! Hawke, we must end him!"  
I felt the call of sleep fading away, and I slowly opened my eyes.

"What's going on?" I asked, blinking a few times before opening my eyes for real. Confusion hit me full force. I was laying on the hard ground, looking up at the night sky. Andres and Varric were crouched next to me.

"Andraste's ass, you had us worried gorgeous!"

I smiled at him.

"Where am I?"

All the talking in the background stopped.

"Do you not remember?" Andres asked me.

"Remember what?"

Varric and Andres shared a look.

"What is it?" I asked feeling fear creep into my chest.

"You were taken by Danarius," I heard Fenris's voice. The name rang a bell somewhere in my mind...I had it.

"The man who thinks he owns you?" I asked. And then it all came back to me.

"Oh!" I cried as I sat up.

"What?" Garrett moved closer to me, and further from Fenris.

"Danarius! He came to the bakery!"

"Why did you open the door to him!?" Fenris yelled. "What were you doing there so late, unprotected?"

"He knocked on the door," I ignored Fenris's outburst. "Said they were templars with news of Bethany."

"What happened next?" Varric asked gently.

"I can't...I think I fell asleep?"

"He used a powerful sleep charm on her, a bit of overkill if you ask me," Andres smiled at me.

"Nobody asked you," Fenris rumbled out. "You should take her to a midwife, have her...looked at."

"What?" Garrett asked, sounding outraged.

"She has been unconscious this whole time. Who knows what Danarius has done to her!"

I felt panic set in. Had I been sullied?

"Stop it!" Varric yelled. "You're upsetting her."

"I have to go," I tried to get up, but my legs were jello. "I have to..." but all I managed to do was turn my head and vomit on the ground.

"I know a Dalish midwife," Andres put a hand on my forehead and whispered something. I felt my stomach settle instantly. "Come."

I took his hand and let him help me to my feet.

"Helena, it's not necessary," Garrett tried to console me but I stopped him dead in his tracks with a look.

"It's necessary to me!" I snapped. "I have stayed pure, so that I may give myself to the right man. So he would know there was never another."

Garrett looked away. It was probably more then he needed to know, then any of the men here needed to know about me. But it was true.

"It will be alright," Andres held me to him as we walked away. "You know, the right man will love you as you are."

I nodded, knowing he was right. But it was important to me.

"Ready?" she asked me, a caring smile on her face.

"I'm frightened," I confessed.

"It will be alright love," she nodded. "You have a loving man out there, who will stay with you regardless of what I tell you."

I wanted to tell her that Andres wasn't my man, but I didn't get the chance. She began her examination.

"This is going to be uncomfortable, but it's just for a moment...and done."

I felt weird, I knew how such things were done, it's just odd.

"So?"

"Pure as lily," she smiled.

"Oh thank Andraste," I sighed.

"I am glad it worked out."

I opened the door to see them all standing there. It was just Andres originally. Garrett was the first to reach me. He embraced me and I hugged him hard.

"I'm sorry this happened to you," he whispered. "You shouldn't be dragged into my problems."

I held him a little tighter before he let go.

"So..." Varric was the first one to speak.

"The verdict?" Fenris asked bluntly.

"Fenris!" Andres admonished him. "Even you have to have some tact."

"Of course I do, but this effects me as well. If Danarius has done something this heinous, his end will be that much more painful."

All eyes fell back to me.

"I..." I blushed. How could I tell all them, and my brother!

"She is pure as the first snow," the Dalish woman came out with a bright smile. I felt myself getting even redder.

"Time to go gorgeous," Varric was the first to step in and save me from my horrible embarrassment. "It's late and you've got bread to make in the morning."

"Varric, for Andraste's sake, let the woman rest," Andres scoffed.

"He's right. I have my first delivery to the Arishok tomorrow, I will not disappoint him."

I wasn't really thinking of bread though. I wanted to know how this Danarius knew who I was. Why did he think Fenris would come for me?

It was on the walk that I was able to express my thoughts to Varric and Garrett.

"I can see your wheels turning gorgeous, what's going on in there?" Varric smiled.

"How did Danarius know that taking me would bring Fenris? And why did it bring Fenris? That man can stand me no more than he can stand Andres."  
"She's got a point Hawke. Don't you find it just the smallest bit suspicious that Fenris has been chewing your ear off about going after Danarius and then as if by magic the prick shows up here and takes your sister?"

"Varric," Garrett growled.

"I know, I know. But it all seems just a little to...perfect for me."

"Make some inquiries," Garrett sighed, but I could tell he was angry. "We'll get to the bottom of this."  
Varric nodded, and veered off, never looking back. I slipped my arm into Garrett's and leaned on him as we walked.

"I hope for Fenris's sake that this was all just some coincidence," I felt tired again, wore out. If this was the sort of thing he dealt with all the time, I began to understand why he sought refuge in the Hanged Man.

"If he placed you in danger knowingly, he will pay with his life," he snarled.

"I feel terrible for him," I lamented. "He cannot forgive those who have hurt him and because of this, he is still their slave. Still bound to them by his hurt, his anger."

"It is no excuse."

I sighed. Perhaps he was right.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks everyone who reviewed and put this story on watch lists! Let me know! Also, I am unsure of who, if anyone, Helena should end up with. Any insight is much appreciated.**

As soon as we entered the estate, my mother was all over me.  
"What happened!" she pulled me to her in a fierce hug. "You didn't come home last night!"

"I'm alright mother," I pulled back so she could see me smile. "I promise. I was helping a friend."  
"A friend?" she gave me a look and then smiled coyly. "A male friend?"

"It's not like that!" I quickly tried to explain. But her smile only grew. "It's not!"

Garrett laughed and walked away, heading towards his room. I threw my hands in the air, and followed his lead. Except I went to the washroom. I wanted a long, hot bath.

It took some time for my bath to be drawn, but it was worth it. As I lay in the large tub, I let my mind wander. Slavers, Qunari, mages, templars. My brothers life was fascinating. Terrifying, but fascinating.

I let myself slip into memories, of when we were all together, back in Ferelden. I often cried when Carver and Bethany wouldn't let me play with them. Garrett would comfort me, play with me, and on a few occasions, he even took me out hunting with him. I smiled at the memory.

 _The next day-_

I got up after only a few short hours of rest. I had much to do today. I dressed in a deep blue gown and pulled my hair away from my face with a simple silver clip that Varric had 'found' for me. I was reasonably sure he lifted it from someone, somewhere. But it was beautiful and I adored it. I struggled with the corset for a few moments, my mother had ordered me new dresses the moment Garrett had brought back his fortune. And since these dresses were from Orlais, they were different. More form fitting then my Ferelden garb. And more risque. But since my old dresses had disappeared the moment my new ones arrived, I was left with little choice.

"My dear, why did you not call for help?"

My mother's voice startled me and I whipped around, only in my shift.

"You frightened me!"

"I am sorry my love. It was not my intention. Won't you allow me to help you?"

I nodded and turned around as my mother nimbly tied the corset that was built into the dress.

"Varric's clip again?" she asked, as she continued to lace.

"I am fond of it," I reached back and touched the delicate thing.

"It is beautiful, but plain."

"Perhaps that's why I like it so much. The other pins are flashy, and heavy. This is simple and delicate."

When she finished I took a deep breath, but found I could not.

"Mother, this dress is constricting me!" I put a hand on my midsection.

"That is what it is supposed to do dear," she smiled as she turned me around. Then she took a step back.

"When did my little girl become a woman?" my mother put a hand over her mouth and I smiled at her. "Garrett will have to keep a closer eye on you now, these Orlesian dresses get the job done, don't they?"

"I feel like a sausage," I complained.

My mother laughed.

"You will get use to them dear one," she nodded and took her leave of me. I walked over to the mirror, and gasped. The Orlesians sure knew what they were doing. The dress pulled my waist in, flared my hips out and pushed my bust up, way up. I touched them gently and shook my head. Was it even proper to show this much of myself? It must be, if mother didn't say anything. I fretted for a few moments, first tying a shawl over my shoulders and then removing it again.

Dawn's first light was creeping through my window and I knew time was up. I put my shoes on and ran out of the estate. I had bread to bake, deliveries to make and I still had to do that favor for Varric.

 _At the bakery-_

"Good morni..." Varric stopped talking as I turned to look at him. His eyes got a little larger and I quickly looked behind me.

"What?" I swirled around, looking for his cause of alarm.

"What the void are you wearing?" he asked, moving closer.

"My dress?" I squeaked. I knew this was going to happen!

"This isn't yours," he mumbled as he reached out to touch the fabric on the skirts.

"Mother ordered them from Orlais for me. They arrived just yesterday."

He nodded, still touching the fabric.

"Does it look bad on me?" I whispered, looking down at him.

"What?"

"Do I look...unsightly?" I could scarcely bare to look at him now. I knew this blasted dress was going to be a problem. I could feel it when I put it on this morning.

"Maker no! You look like a proper noble woman," he stepped back and bowed to me.

"Varric Tethras, stop making fun of me this instant! I already feel like a fool, don't make it any worse."  
I slumped my shoulders and finished loading the hot bread into the baskets for deliveries. Soon my workers would be here, mostly elves from the alienage, just trying to get by. They would make my deliveries, save for a select few that I did myself.

"I'm sorry Helena," Varric's baritone voice reached me. I turned around to look at him. He gave me a half smile. "I was just...surprised. You've never worn anything like this before. Sometimes..sometimes I forget your not a little girl anymore."

I nodded my head.

"Do I look alright? Not too...risque?"

Varric laughed and shook his head.

"It's risque, but nobodies going to confuse you for a courtesan, if that's what your worried about."

"Well that's good, I guess," I smiled at him.

He smiled and added one more thing.

"Why do you have to go and make Hawke's and my job harder than it has to be. I bet by the end of the day, your mother will have no less then 3 suitors lined up."

"For the love of the Maker Varric, you are spinning a fine tale," I rolled my eyes at him as I picked up a large basket. He moved forward and took the other one.

"I wish I was gorgeous, I really wish I was," he sighed and followed me out of the store.

I locked the door behind me, knowing Helga had a key and would let herself in and manage the deliveries and storefront until I returned.

We were silent for most the journey, saying hello to the few people about this early in the morning. My dress got me a few extra stares, to which Varric just chuckled.

"Here we go," he nodded his head at the gates to the Qunari compound. There was a single guard posted outside. When he saw us, he straightened up.

"Good Morning Messere," I bowed. "I have the Arishok's bread order."

He looked at me and I realized it was the same Qunari who escorted me here just yesterday.

"You are early baas," he rumbled. And then his eyes went immediately to my chest. I had never had someone do that, so brazenly. It flustered me.  
"I'm sorry," I apologized immediately my cheeks on fire.  
It looked like he smiled at me. Or maybe I was seeing things.

He took the large basket from me and the other from Varric.

"Your payment," he held out his hand. I opened mine and more gold fell in then necessary.

"This is to much!" I quickly picked out the five we agreed to and gave the rest back.

The Qunari looked at me before nodding. He was heading inside when an idea struck me.

"Panahedan!"

Varric looked at me when the Qunari solider stopped dead in his tracks.

"What did you just say to him?"

He walked back, his dark eyes studying me.

"Who taught you this?"

"Fenris," I offered.

"The elf?"

"Yes. Did I pronounce it right?"

"Do you know it's meaning?"

"Take refuge in safety," I nodded.

"Do not say this unless you mean it." And he once again began walking away.

"But I do mean it!"

He hesitated, just for a fraction of a second. But I saw it.

"Are you crazy gorgeous! What if Fenris lied to you? What if you told him his mother was a whore."

"Fenris would never teach me to say something like that."

"Well he may have allowed you to be kidnapped, so I think it's not a stretch to say he may lie to you."

"The key term in that sentence was may have. He may also have nothing to do with it, and until we have evidence to prove he has done anything..."

"You're too nice gorgeous," Varric snapped out at me. It was the first time I had ever heard him use that tone with me. I looked over at him as we walked, unsure of what had brought that on. And I was a little angry. What was wrong with being nice? Kirkwall needed a good dose of nice, in my opinion.

"I was going to just let that go, but I changed my mind. What's wrong with being nice?"

He snorted.

"Well for starters, there are the people just waiting to take advantage of a nice girl like you."

I stopped walking and glared at him.

"I didn't realize you believed me so lacking in intelligence, that I would be unable to see when I was being ensnared. Thank the Maker for you and my brother Varric! I don't know how I managed without you both guiding me all these years."

Now he stopped but I just shook my head and moved on. I may not have been a hardened adventurer, but it did not mean I was an idiot. I had built my bakery from the ground up, with nothing but my wits and hard work.

I arrived back at the bakery in a bad mood.

"Milady! You looked lovely today!" Helga smiled at me as I entered the door. But her smile fell and soon she was looking at me with concern.

"That is not a face you wear often Milady, what troubles you?"

A young man waiting in line near the counter stepped towards me.

"Perhaps it is because she is without a suitor," he grinned and picked up my hand. "Sebastian, at your service Lady Helena."

I curtsied and thanked the man for his kind words, but the entire time I wanted nothing more than to simply walk away.

"My lady?"

I realized with mounting horror that I had not been listening to a word he said.

"I am so sorry," I smiled at him. "But my mind wanders today."

He smiled at me and nodded.

"You are far to beautiful to work so hard, perhaps you should rest for the rest of the day? Allow your servants to handle the business?"

My nostrils flared.

"They are not servants."

"My lady?" he seemed puzzled by my angry outburst.

"I do not own slaves, therefore none of the people working in here are servants. They all put in a honest days work and receive an honest days pay."

He looked stunned for a moment before shaking his head.

"A woman should never raise her voice to a man," he smirked. He was right, of course. It wasn't proper for a woman to raise her voice, or speak her mind really, in front of a man. But I found I cared little for what this pompous ass thought of me.

"Find me a man, and I will be sure not to raise my voice in front of him!"

Everyone in the bakery went silent. The slap to my face was hard enough that I lost my balance and almost fell. Sven, a dalish man who ran the logistics of my delivery operations, caught me before I hit the ground.

"How dare you speak to me in such a manner! I am the aide of the Viscount!"

"Milady, are you alright?" Sven asked, turning to look at me. I nodded.

"How dare you put your hands on Lady Helena!?" Helga jumped nimbly over the counter, followed by Getmen, Flewen, and Vardor.

"Tell your servants to stand down at once!" Sebastian demanded. He looked frightened. And I found my voice.

"I told you before, I have no servants. Now please leave, and never return."

"You will regret this."

"Sven, would you be so kind as to escort Sebastian, aide to the viscount out of my shop?"

"With great pleasure," he smiled and moved toward Sebastian.

"I will tell everyone of this!" he threatened.

"Yes," Sven grinned. "Tell everyone how you came into the shop of Lady Helena Hawke, sister to the great Garrett Hawke, and struck her for not responding to your advances."

I watched him pale some, before he quickly turned around and beat a hasty retreat.

"Milady," Helga gently touched my mouth and I winced. "You are bleeding."

"Did that man strike you?" a noble, I believe his name was Malrick, from the house of Griff, came over.

Sven stepped aside so he could see.

"By the Maker! I shan't stand for this!"

He paid for his bread and left in a hurry.

"Perhaps you should sit down Helena?" Sven asked.

"Perhaps I should."

I had tried to get them all to just call me Helena, but the only one who seemed willing to try was Sven.

I went into the back and took a seat on a stool. Helga handed me a damp cloth and I put it to my mouth. I winced, I had never been struck before.

"Should I go and get your brother?" Sven asked.

"No!" I stammered quickly. The last thing Garrett needed was to be worrying about me.

"You should be more careful milady," Flewen shook his head. "Speaking out against slavery will make you unpopular."

"I will say it again, and again. You cannot own a person, it is wrong. If that opinion gets me slapped from time to time, so be it."

"I believe the slap was for knocking his pompous ass down a peg or two with your undercutting of his manliness."

Everyone chuckled.

"I cannot believe you told him that," Helga laughed. "Find me a man, and I will be sure not to raise my voice to him!"

I shook my head, unsure of what had come over me.

"Do you think this will damage the business?"

Helga shook her head.

"No, this Sebastian may try to slander you, but we will tell the truth."

"Thank you, all of you. For coming to my aide."  
"You are welcome," Helga smiled at me.

 _Later-_

"Well you're looking rather glum," Anders remarked as he sat down at Varric's table next to Hawke.

Varric didn't answer.

"He's had his first fight with Helena," Hawke smiled as he sat, his foot propped up on the table, reading.

"Oh?"

When Varric still didn't speak, Hawke smiled.

"What was it again now, oh yes. Varric told her she was to nice. To which my dearest baby sister asked, what is wrong with being nice? A fair question. And Varric with all his charm and charisma replied, there are many men waiting to take advantage of a nice girl like you."

Anders winced but he had to ask,

"Her rebuttal?"

"Well naturally Helena being Helena, she didn't take that so well. I believe she mentioned how dimwitted she must seem to Varric, how...unintelligent. And how she could have never fared without the constant guidance from others, namely myself and Varric. Sarcasm intended."  
Anders watched as Hawke smiled, before going back to his book. The silence hung heavy in the room, despite the liveliness of The Hanged Man's main room.

"She'll forgive you," Anders tried to reassure Varric.

"Hawke," at this everyone looked to the doorway, even Varric. Standing there was Sven, the dalish delivery boy from Helena's shop.

"Sven," Hawke mumbled, barely looking up.

"Helena told me I shouldn't tell you, but I feel it is necessary."

Now he had Hawke's undivided attention.

"What about Helena?" he asked, setting his book down slowly.

"A man came into the bakery earlier and attempted to woo her. He made the mistake of referring to us as 'servants' to which your sister took great offense. She defended us and.."

"And what?" Hawke asked, his voice deathly serious.

"And she made a remark, one that called into question his manhood. In his outrage, he struck her."

Hawke was on his feet and out the door before Anders could even push his chair out.

 _The Bakery-_

I kept using my tongue to lick at the cut that decorated my lower left lip. It hurt a bit, the area around it swollen and red. Helga said I should seek out a healer, I did not feel it was necessary.

"HELENA?" I heard the roar of my brother and instantly felt my stomach drop. I didn't even get my hands wiped off on the towel before he came barging back. I looked up at him and his angry face fell for a few moments.

"Helena," he said again, only much softer.

"I'm alright," I tried to smile and winced. His face became angry again.

"Who was this man?"

"Just an angry customer," I tried to lie.

"Sven has already ratted you out," Garrett fixed me with his stare. I should have figured. I knew he meant well, so I couldn't be angry with him.

"He said his name was Sebastian, aide to the Viscount himself Garrett. There is nothing you can do.."

"Sebastian...did he have red hair?"

"Yes," and at that he was gone. I gave chase, trying to make him reconsider.

"Garrett, please, it's not worth the trouble."

It was then I noticed Anders and Varric in the main shop. Of course he would bring Varric. Proof positive that I was indeed some imbecilic, overly kind girl.

"No man, aide to the Viscount or not, has the right to strike a woman. Especially if that woman is my little sister."

And with that he was off. And I was left feeling horrible. Maker knew what he would do, and how much trouble it would put him in.

"Does it hurt?"

I looked to see that Anders had not left with them.

"It stings, nothing more," I sighed.

"I wouldn't worry about Hawke," Anders smiled kindly at me. "He has a knack for getting himself into and then out, of trouble."

"The trouble is mine, he should not involve himself."

Anders laughed.

"When it concerns you, he will always involve himself. You should have seen his face when Sven told us a man had struck you. He looked like a high dragon on the hunt."

I smiled at that. Garrett did tend to get a little frightening when he was angry.

"It's ready Milady," Helga stuck her head out of the back room.

"It seems you are needed," he smiled at me. I nodded.

"Farewell Anders," I gave him a crooked smile.

"I forgot to tell you," he turned around and came back to me.

"You are a vision in this dress," his cheeks colored some as he said this. I found myself smiling a little wider, even though it hurt my mouth. "I felt it necessary to tell you."

"Thank you Anders."

With a little wave he was gone and I was left wondering why if Anders thought I looked good, that Varric didn't? It was something to think on later, as I had a special delivery to run. One that I had to accomplish.

It took me most the rest of the day to walk to House Tethras. It was on the other side of Kirkwall, far removed from the hustle and bustle of High Town and Low Town.

I knocked and the man servant, Jarvis answered.

"Lady Helena! By the...what happened to your face?" he asked, looking concerned.

"A disgruntled customer," I replied.

"I rather hope Master Varric and Master Hawke handled him."

"I'm sure they have."  
"Are you here to see the Lady?"

"I would rather she not see me in this state," I handed over the basket I had put together for her. I had some time so I made a batch of the remedy, just the way Ilsa liked it. I also put some fruit, sweet bread and a new skin tonic Helga has made. It smelled of roses and made the skin soft to the touch.

"You are truly a kind soul milady," he smiled when he saw what was in the basket.

"Will you give the Lady my best regards and tell her I will come back, when my face...when I am in better health?"

Jarvis smiled.

"I most certainly will. You take care now Lady Helena, and head straight home. It will be dark soon."

I nodded, taking his advice to heart. I had more than enough adventures for one day, thank you very much. Being mugged and robbed by some gang because I didn't get home before dark was not how I wanted to end this night.


	3. Chapter 3

**Once again, thank you to everyone who keeps reviewing and sending me PM's. I love to hear what you're thinking. Here's the newest. Let me know.**

I made it back into High Town just as darkness fell. But luckily for me, I seemed to have acquired a shadow on my way. I do not know if the boy thought he was being clever, but he didn't seem a threat. I kept my eye on him as I went, taking care to never give him an opportunity to close in on me.

"Helena?" out of the shadows, Isabella stepped. It caught me off guard for a moment.

"Isabella," I nodded and kept walking. The boy disappeared.

"Wait! What are you doing out at this hour?"

"I was making a delivery on the other side of Kirkwall. What brings you out at this time of night?"

She smiled, but looked slightly uncomfortable.

"I was.."

"Headed to see Garrett?" I guessed.

"Yes."

"Walk with me?" I asked her. I think it shocked her, as I knew that she knew that I didn't approve of her and my brothers relationship. But probably not for the reasons she thinks. My brother was free to love anyone he chose too, it was just that Isabella was a thief, and a bit slippery if everything I had heard from Anders had been correct. It made me worry for my brothers safety, more than his heart.

"I know we don't get along..." Isabella started but then didn't seem to know what to say.

"As long as you promise that your actions will not cause harm to my brother, I think you and I can find a way to get along."  
She seemed stunned, it was completely out of the blue, even for me. But I was determined to change some things about myself. It was the damn Orlesian dresses! They started all of this. That and the argument with Varric.

"Your brother told me about that man hitting you today, are you alright? Did you knock him back on his ass?"

I laughed.

"No, I'm not a fighter. I don't have the constitution for it."

She tipped her head back and laughed.

"When I first met you, you wore dresses that covered you from head to toe. You spoke so rarely, I thought you were a mute for weeks. And now, look at you. Orlesian dresses, kidnappings, smuggling mages out with Anders, dealings with the Qunari."

When she said it like that...I suppose I had changed a great deal in just a short period of time.

"So who are you sleeping with? I can't quiet figure it out."  
I stumbled a little bit as I walked, but I corrected quickly.

"Excuse me?" I asked her.

"At first I thought it was Anders, he's always giving you those big cow eyes. But the way Fenris reacted when I tried to touch you made me think you were his..."

"I am sleeping with no one," I informed her.

"That was quick. Are you sure..."

"Isabella, I have slept with no one. Anders and Fenris are kind to me, they are my friends."

"You have..wait," she stopped me by gently grabbing my upper arm. "Are you telling me that you've never...that you are...pure?"

"Yes."

She nodded.

"It makes sense. It all makes bloody sense!"

"I'm sure it does, now can we continue, it's getting darker out."  
She nodded, not saying anything but grinning away. It was very cat like, and a bit intimidating.

My stomach growled the moment I opened the front door and smelled the delicious scent of roasted meat wafting from the dining room.

"Helena!" I heard my mother yell as I closed the door. "By the Maker child, you had me frightened to death! Bodahn was just collecting his things to go and fetch the city guard!"

"Is that Helena!" Garrett roared as he came up the hallway.

Isabella sort of stood there awkwardly as my mother gave her a few glances. The moment Garrett saw her however, he looked even more upset.

"What are you doing with her?" he growled out as he moved closer.

"I was walking home from an errand and we bumped into each other. She was kind enough to escort me home as it was getting dark."  
His brown eyes flitted between me and her a few times.

"You," he pointed at me. "Go and eat. Now."

I picked up my skirts and quickly walked towards the dinning room, my mother in tow behind me.

"Your brother seems awfully on edge lately," she commented. "By the way dear, Garrett told me a man struck you, are you alright?"

"It's nothing mother," I smiled at her as I entered the dining hall. I didn't realize we had guests. My hair was a mess, I had not wanted it to get tangled on the way home so I wound it into a messy bun and used the silver clip to keep it in place. A few strands had escaped it and I found myself self consciously trying to tuck them back in. There was also dirt on my dress.

"I thought I told you to eat?" Garrett was so close behind me that I could feel his breath as he spoke. I spun around.

"Why didn't you tell me we had company! Look at me!"

He smiled down at me.

"Please don't fret Helena," Anders smooth voice floated up from the table. "Come, join us."

I wrinkled my nose and narrowed my eyes at Garrett, which made him laugh.

"Eat little bird," he put a hand on my shoulder and walked me to a chair. He pulled it out and I sat in it as gracefully as I could. Across from me was Varric. I did my best to ignore him.

The table was silent as the food was brought in, and I spared a few glances to Garrett, who was sitting at the head of the table. He sighed and began to put food on his plate first. My mother, who was to my left and across from Anders, began idle conversation with him.

I picked at my food, finding my appetite was suddenly no longer there.

"Mother!" I heard Sandal's voice and looked over to see him racing into the room, with a large smile on his face.

"Mistress! I tried to stop him!" Bodahn came in behind him.

"It's alright Bodahn," I grinned.

"How was your day Sandal? Did you do any enchantments?"

"Enchantment!" he happily exclaimed as he put his head on my shoulder. I smiled as he put his arms around me in a hug.

"Come now son, let the mistress eat. It's off to bed with you," Bodahn calmly told him. I felt his arm tighten some.

"It's alright Sandal, I will come up and check on you as soon as I am done."

He released me and nodded. Bodahn guided him from the room.

"Does the boy think you are his mother?" Anders asked.

"Yes," I replied, taking a small bite of the roast. It was delicious.

"It's the strangest thing, he has never really warmed up to any of us, except for Helena. The moment they moved into the estate, Sandal has been her shadow. He use to hold onto her skirts as she walked around, as a child might," my mother informed them.

"Do you wish to have children Helena?" Anders asked me.

"Someone better give me grandchildren," my mother announced, looking pointedly at me.

"I would like to have children, one day," I finally spoke.

"A whole herd of them," Garrett added. "If I remember correctly."

I smiled at that. I remembered telling him that when I was just a child myself.

"But first, a husband," my mother smiled.

"Of course," I smiled back.

"I stand by my first choice," my mother nodded. "Lord Vael would make an excellent husband. And he simply adores you."  
"Are you speaking of Sebastian Vael, the prince?" Anders asked.

"Yes. He has asked me three separate times for permission to court Helena."

"Wasn't the name of the man who struck you also Sebastian?" Anders looked confused.

"His real name is Bran Cavin, he's been calling himself Sebastian since Vael came to town. He thinks he sounds more...sophisticated," my brother mouthed around some food.

"How terrible for Lord Vael," my mother sighed.

"You could do worse then an exiled prince," Garrett grinned at me.

"True, but Maker help me I cannot stand to be in the man's presence for more than a few moments. He's boring."

I heard a snort and knew it came from Varric.

"Helena!" my mother chastised.

"It's true. If I am to spend the rest of my life with someone, they better be able to keep my attentions. In all ways."

My brother spit out his wine, and then began coughing. My mother looked horrified and Varric laughed for the first time all night. And for the first time, I turned to face him. He smiled at me.

"Gorgeous, I can't believe you just said that."

I smiled at him, big and bright before picking up my glass and taking a drink of my wine.

"Helena," my mother began but then she laughed. "You are full of surprises my love."

"Thank you," I nodded and began eating with more enthusiasm. I hadn't had a bite to eat all day and I was suddenly feeling ravished.

"Are you serious about finding a husband Helena?" my mother asked after some time, bringing all the idle chit chat to an end as everyone stopped to stare at me.

"I will be twenty this spring," I began, setting my utensils down. "By this age, you were married and had Garrett. I do not wish to be a burden on my brother, and I do not wish to marry simply because it is what is expected of me. I want to fall in love. I want that passion, and I want the pain. I want fights over dirty boots on the furniture and flowers for no reason."

"Then we will just have to find your true love," my mother nodded.

I snorted.

"I will settle for a husband who doesn't think of me as property and has the decency to hide his indiscretions."

"All that, and you'd settle for a mediocre husband? I don't buy it. I'm calling bullshit gorgeous," Varric stated.

"It's not bullshit, it's reality."

That seemed to take the wind out of his sails, at least for a moment.

"I am with Varric on this one Helena. Your speech about love was passionate and hopeful. You cannot follow it up with resigning yourself to second best."

"Garrett, say something!" my mother looked to him.

"I want you to be happy Helena. That's all that matters to me. Marry a beggar, or a mercenary, hell marry Anders. As long as it's what you want, then I'm behind you. All the way."

I nodded.

"Well I'm all ears if someone knows where my true love is hiding," I sighed, and sat back against my chair.

"You'll find him dear," my mother smiled.

"Garrett, may I be excused? I am tired and the day comes early for me."  
He nodded his head once, giving me permission.

"Goodnight Anders, Varric."

"Goodnight Helena, pleasant dreams," Anders gave me his charming smile.

"Thank you."

Varric nodded at me and I smiled at him.

 _The dining Hall-_

"I believe I will retire as well Garrett," Leandra smiled as she excused herself.

"Maker be damned, but I am going to say this," Anders began as soon as Leandra was clear of the room.

"Be careful," Garrett warned, picking up his glass. But his eyes never left the mage.

"Helena is one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen, let alone met and befriended. But the smile she reserves for you..."

Now he was looking at Varric.

"What are you talking about Blondie?" Varric grumbled.

"Cut the shit Varric. It's why you picked a fight with her the other day. You care about her."

"Of course I care about her idiot! I watched her grow up," Varric retorted back.

"And opened a business with her."

"Partnership."

"And.."

"Enough!" Hawke cut in. "What are you getting at Anders?"

"Helena is in love with Varric, but she doesn't know it yet. Varric knows it, and is pushing her away."  
Hawke looked at him and raised an eyebrow, before breaking into loud peels of laughter.

"You think Varric is in love with my sister!" He kept laughing until his eyes watered.

"If he isn't, then he won't mind when I ask permission to court her?"

Hawke's laugh stopped immediately.

"I won't go back on my word. Helena is free to choose who she wishes to be with."

Anders smiled.

"But know this," Hawke began. Anders smile waned a little. "Helena is my heart. I rocked her when she was just a babe, I taught her to walk, to run. She is my light and my reason for fighting."

Varric knew how much Hawke loved Helena. When she was taken, Hawke went mad. Twenty men fell to his blade before any of the others could help him. And the aide to the Viscount was only saved because the Viscount himself stepped in and saved his life. Otherwise Hawke would have beaten him to death.

"I believe I understand," Anders nodded.

"Good. Because not even Justice will be able to save you from me if you hurt my sister."

"Well, this has been fun," Anders said, getting up. "But I should be going."

They waited until he walked out before Hawke turned his eyes to the lone dwarf.

"He's to dangerous for her," Varric took a drink, downing the whole cup in one go.

"I've chased them all away, but I can't do this to her forever," Hawke sighed.

"You know, I almost believed you when you said you'd kill Anders," Varric nodded.

"I almost believed you when you said you didn't love her."

"Ouch," Varric sighed.

"I gave you my blessing many a months ago."

"I'm not the right man for her."

"Then let her go."  
Hawke watched as Varric's hands formed fists on the table. He watched his friend struggle.

"It's in her hands now Varric, let her decide."

He nodded, never looking up. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Here's the newest, let me know what you think ;)**

I woke up, my mother assisted me in dressing again, I still had not gotten the hang of my new dresses. Today I wore a deep burgundy dress with silver accents and stitching. It was beautiful. My mother did my hair, pulling it back and braiding bits of it. I used some lip stain we had received from Orlais, it made my lips match my dress. I took a deep breath and looked at myself in the mirror.

"Maker..." I gasped. I almost didn't recognize myself.

"Your beauty rivals even Empress Celene."

"Do not say such things!" I turned to her, with alarm.

"Why not? It is true."

"That could get us killed."

"In Orlais perhaps. But not in my own house. Now go, find your man and stun him with your beauty."

"If it were that easy..."

"It is my dear, you are making this more complicated than it needs to be. You probably met him already."

I looked at her and realized something quickly. She had a small smile ghosting over her mouth.

"Mother dearest, are you keeping secrets from me?" I smiled sweetly at her.

"Never my love," she smiled back. Oh yes, mother was keeping something from me. But what?

"Keep your secrets then, I am off to the bakery."

She laughed as I left the room. There was a chill in the air, so I grabbed the cloak off of the chair in the dinning room.

The only time I loved Kirkwall was in the early morning. The sun was just making it's way over the horizon, the city was silent. Peaceful. Of course it wouldn't last, it never did. I nodded my head to the passing city guard patrol, and they nodded back.

I should send them some sweet breads, I thought. When I arrived to the bakery, I halted. The door was open. I knew I had locked it the previous day. I froze. I turned to look for guards, but none were around. I swallowed and moved forward.

"Hello?" I called, sticking my head in. Nothing looked disturbed. "I own this bakery and I mean you no harm. Please come out, I will not press charges of any kind."

I waited a moment and then shook my head. What kind of thief would come out? But just then I heard a noise.

"Do you really mean me no harm?"

It sounded like a boy.

"Of course."

"Even after I broke in?"

"Why did you break into my bakery?"

This was strange, having a conversation with the darkness.

"I was told too."

"By whom?"

"I can't tell you miss. He gave me a whole silver to do it."

"What was your end game?"

"I..."

"Are you alright?"

"Please... you sound like a real nice lady. You should go. He's going to hurt you if you don't."

"Who is going to hurt me?"

I heard noises again and then an elf appeared. He was young, maybe sixteen. Tall and skinny.

"Radford..."

"Traitor!" someone growled behind him. Before I could even move, a knife crossed the boy's neck, and blood erupted, pouring down his front. I screamed and made to run to his aide. But the knife in the shadows was suddenly at my feet, the blade buried in the floor.

"Stay still lovely, he would be very sore with me if you were to be...spoiled before he has his way with you."

I froze.

"Good girl," I watched as his arm reached out of the darkened room and set something down on a nearby counter. "See you soon."

I heard footsteps and let out a breath. The sound of the back door slamming startled me.

"My Lady?" I jumped and turned around. It was the city guard patrol from earlier. He looked at me and then past me.

"Are you alright?" he quickly grabbed my shoulders and pulled me from the darkened store front. "Did that elf attack you?"

I shook my head, even as the tears fell. I did my best to tell him what happened, he seemed confused at first, but when I told him the name the elf had told me before he died.

"Radford!" he gasped. "Maker protect us."

"Lieutenant, there's a letter here. Addressed to the lady."

"Bring it!" he called. I was still in shock. That boy...I could see his eyes, wide and frightened. And all that blood.

I was vaguely aware of the Lieutenant opening the letter.

"This is...vulgar. My lady, your brother needs to be made aware of this."

I nodded, not paying any attention.

"Inform the Captain, and find me Garrett Hawke. Donnic, stay with her."

"Yes sir."

I watched in horror as some of the city guard carried the boy from my store. I began to cry in earnest. Donnic moved closer to me, putting an awkward hand on my shoulder.

"You are safe my lady," he tried to soothe me. But I cried harder. I had been afraid, but that was not why I cried now. I watched that child die, and there was nothing I could do about it.

 _Varric's POV-_

She would already be at the bakery, the girl was never late. I turned the corner and noticed commotion. It was a little early for this shit, wasn't it? It wasn't until I was closer that I realized the commotion was coming from the bakery.

My heart dropped. _Helena_.

I walked quicker, seeing all the guards and then I saw a bloodied corpse being carried from inside. For one horrible, terrible moment, I thought it was her. A quick glance of my surroundings and I found purchase. She was crumpled on the ground, her crimson dress a pool around her. A man, a guard, was trying to soothe her. I ran.

"Hey! You can't..."

"Get the void out of my way! Helena!"

 _Helena's POV-_

I heard Varric's voice and looked up. He ran over to me, dropping to his knees and pulling me to his large chest.

"He killed him," I cried.

"Who got killed baby?" he cooed to me.

"A boy, a boy broke in and..." but I couldn't get it out. Donnic took over.

"There was a boy inside, an elf, when she arrived. He was paid to break in, and after speaking with him, Lady Helena convinced him to tell her who paid him to do so. As he was speaking, another unknown man slit his throat. In front of her."

"Shit," Varric growled out. "Who was it, the name he gave her?"

"Radford."  
I felt Varric go stiff, but he continued to rub my back as I hugged his chest.

"He left a letter for her...it is rather...descriptive."

"Did you read it?" Varric asked. I wasn't sure who he was speaking too.

"It was not for the eyes of a lady like her. The Lieutenant has it now."

Varric nodded. I heard shouting and then heard Garrett's soft voice.

"Helena," he was beside me suddenly. I turned my head to the side and peered at him from watery eyes.

"The bastard slit the kids throat right in front of her," Varric hissed at him. I watched Garrett's face darken.

"Get her home, stay with her."

I awoke with a start, fear coursing through me. I didn't realize I had fallen asleep.

"Easy baby," I heard Varric's baritone voice before I saw him. I sat up, watching as he walked across the room. A room, which wasn't mine.

"Where am I?" I asked, rolling onto my side.

"My room at the Hanged Man," he replied, taking a seat on the edge of the bed. I nodded.

"I want to make sure that boy gets a proper burial," I swallowed hard. "And if he has any family, dependents..."

"I'll take care of it."

"Thank you Varric, for everything."

"I've imagined you in my bed hundreds of times before, but this. Well this isn't how it's supposed to go."

I blushed hard and stared at him.

"Varric!" I didn't know what else to say. I can't believe he said that to me. He has never given me any...and then I stopped.

"Stop teasing me!" I covered my face with my hands. He chuckled.

"Who says I am teasing," he grinned. My hands flew away from my face and I sat up quickly. He had to be.

"Varric Tethras!"

He grinned at me.

"Easy, you should lay back down. It's been...a rough day for you."

I nodded, doing as he said.

"How do you do it?" I asked, returning to my position on my side, facing him.

"Do what?"

"Kill people?"

He sighed.

"It's different when someone is coming at you darling. What you saw, that's murder. He didn't see it coming, had no chance for defending himself."

"Who is Radford?"

Varric looked at me now. His eyes bore into mine.

"He's Harlan's second, a high ranking member of the Coterie here in Kirkwall."

"What does he want with me?"

Varric shook his head. He looked sad.

"I don't know, but it can't be good. It never is with him."

"Do you know him?"

Another silent head nod.

"Why not just come to me?" I sat up. I was angry now. "Why did he have to kill that boy!? What kind of a man does that?"

Varric looked at me with wide eyes.

"He probably killed the boy for telling you who was behind it. I don't think he wanted you to know. Not yet."

"The guard will find him," I nodded. "Avelene won't let this stand."

"He's untouchable," Varric locked eyes with me.

"What?"

"Radford is related to the Viscount."

I narrowed my eyes at him. If that was true, what was he doing with the Coterie? It was a guild for thieves. Where were his manners? What would the Viscount think of all of this?

"Then I will petition the Viscount."

"You think he doesn't already know his nephew is a raving lunatic?" Varric was getting angry. "If you go in there, who knows what will happen."

"What am I to do then? Wait around until this man decides to do something else? What if he hurts mother, or Sandal?"

"He won't, not unless he has no choice," Varric's jaw was tight.

"What aren't you telling me?"

"Nothing. I don't know shit, and it's pissing me off!" he got up in a huff.

"Helena," I looked over to see Anders coming in.

"Come on in!" Varric grumbled, throwing dirty looks to Anders.

"I'm alright," I confessed, scooting myself so I was resting on Varric's headboard. "Varric has been taking care of me."

"I am so sorry Helena. To see what you have...the level of brutality..." Anders gently picked up my hand and my eyes flitted from him to Varric. He was watching us, me in particular, with intent.

"Thank you Anders, that is very kind of you," I brought my attention back to Anders solely. He smiled at me and I smiled back. I slowly let my hand slip from his. Varric's stare could have frozen the harbor. It made me think back to his earlier teasing. And now Anders was here, sitting on the edge of the bed. It was all to much. My head was spinning.

"Wanna get off my bed blondie?" Varric now had a large mug in his hand. No doubt filled with ale of some kind.

"Forgive me," he sighed as he got up. "I will retire from your company for the day. Please, rest Helena. And do not hesitate to call upon me should you have the need."

I nodded at him, watching the silent interaction between him and Varric. I had indeed been very dim.

"Are you jealous of Anders?" I asked as soon as he was out of the room.

Ever the cool, collected dwarf, Varric simply raised his brows.

"Jealously is when you covet something someone else has. I am territorial. I protect what's mine."

My heart skipped a beat. Did he mean...

"This has been a long time coming, at least, on my end sweetheart."

"Is this... Do you love me Varric?" I asked, looking at him. He smiled and walked over, setting his mug down on the desk.

"I can't remember a time when I didn't love you."

All I could hear was the thud, thud, thud of my heart. I swallowed. Was this what love felt like? My stomach was in knots, my head felt light, my heart was beating so loudly.

"Easy baby," he smiled, coming to sit next to me on the bed. "I can practically see you exploding inside."

I smiled at that.

"Much better. Want to tell me how you feel about all of this. I did just confess my love to you."

"I.." I began but stopped. Then started again. "My stomach is in knots, my head feels...light. And my heart..."

I grabbed his hand and laid it over my chest so he could feel.

"Is beating out of control."

"Hmm, sounds like love to me," he smiled.

"I can't breathe," I gasped, my chest continuing to constrict. I began to pull at my dress, my lungs on fire.

"Helena, what are you..." and then he understood. My breaths were coming in rasps, and each one shorter than the one before.

"Andraste's ass!" Varric grabbed the front of my dress where it dipped the furthest and pulled. I heard the material tear and felt instant relief in my chest. I took in a few greedy breaths of air before locking eyes with him.

"Thank you," I wheezed out with a smile.

"Don't thank me yet, you still have to explain to your mother what happened to your new dress," he laughed.

"Speaking of mothers," I suddenly remembered about Varric's mother. "I brought your mother a fort night's worth of tonics, at least. And some sweet bread, the tonic tastes so much better if you eat some with..."

Varric halted my conversation by cupping my cheek and gently stroking his thumb across the flesh.

"Thank you Helena."

"It's no problem, I felt bad I couldn't go in and visit with her. I didn't want her to see me...in this state," I indicated my cut lip with my hand.

"VARRIC?" I heard my brothers voice and looked away from Varric. His hand dropped slowly, taking it's heat with it.

"Varric, Helena, are you..." Garrett stopped dead when he saw us. A look of relief flitted onto his face, before it was replaced with a mask of rage.

"Garrett, what is the matter?" I asked, getting worried.

"What happened to your dress?" he asked, taking a few steps into the room. I looked down expecting minimal damage. Instead I found the whole of the front of my dress ripped down, exposing my corset underneath and a generously inappropriate amount of my chest. I blushed like crazy and grabbed the blankets on the bed, holding them to me like a shield.

"Calm down Hawke," Varric laughed. "Her dress was laced so tight over her corset she couldn't breathe."

He looked from Varric to me. I nodded my head at him, confirming what he had just been told. After several tense seconds, he tipped his head back and laughed.

"It's not funny!" I exclaimed. "I could have died!"

"I'll get you a tunic," Varric got up off the bed. Garrett righted himself, still chuckling.

"Am I to understand that you two have..." and then he put his hands together. I was completely confused by the gesture, while Varric laughed.

"I confessed my undying love Hawke, I didn't bring her back here and claim her."

"Wonderful. Do I hear wedding bells?" he cocked his head like he was listening.

"Hardly," Varric snorted. "Gorgeous is still mulling over what I told her."

"Really?" now Hawke's eyes were on me. "I thought for sure you would.."

"Thought I would what?" I asked, my feathers getting ruffled.

"The way you look at him, I just assumed..." Garrett trailed off.

I turned to look at Varric, who was now standing next to the bed, arm outstretched towards me. Did I really look at him so differently?

"It'll be big on you, but it'll do."

I took it, smiling a thanks at him. He shot me a wink. My stomach fluttered. It had never done that before, not in the hundreds of times Varric had winked at me. As suddenly and as surely as I knew anything, I realized I loved Varric.

"Gorgeous, you're staring," Varric smiled down at me.

"I," but I stopped myself. I needed to be sure. "Thank you, Varric."  
"No problem, I'll leave you too it then."

Hawke and Garrett left and I sat in silence, holding Varric's tunic. The urge to find my mother hit me hard. I needed to speak with her, she would know what I was to do. If my heart was being true.


	5. Chapter 5

**Sorry about the long wait! I got caught up playing Inquisition..over and over again! But that aside I am back! Let me know what you think!**

I almost had Varric's tunic on, when a thought struck me. What if someone stopped me in the streets? How would I explain away wearing a man's tunic over my torn dress? I sighed and set it down. I grabbed my cloak off the chair and buttoned it down further than necessary. But it covered my exposed breasts.

I moved quickly through the Hanged Man's common area, hoping that I caught no one's attention. After everything that had happened today, I just wanted to speak with my mother. I also wanted to see Bethany something fierce.

"One thing at a time," I whispered to myself as I quickly navigated low town. I had thought I had gotten by unnoticed, but as was my luck lately, I felt an arm grip mine. It stopped me dead and I turned to see who was gripping me so harshly.

It was a Qunari warrior.

"The Arishok wishes to speak with you," he said, taking in my curious appearance.

"Can it wait a few moments?" I asked. He stared at me and I realized he was waiting for an explanation.

"My corset restricted my breathing and had to be forcefully ripped. Under my cloak I am far more exposed than I am comfortable with."  
The Qunari looked at me and raised an eyebrow. Cursing slightly under my breath I stepped closer to him and undid a few buttons. I opened the cloak only slightly, letting him see what had become of my dress. His expression did not change.

"Perhaps you could escort me back to my home to change and then I will gladly go with you."  
He nodded once and I smiled.

"Thank you."

He walked next to me, and I ignored the stares I once again found myself getting.

"Who taught you to speak Qunlat?" he asked suddenly.

"Fenris."  
"Do you understand it well?"

I shook my head no.

"I only know very little."  
"Tell me what you know," he demanded. Or perhaps that's just the way they always sounded, and it was just demanding to my ears.

"Asaaranda is a storm," I began. He nodded his head. "Asala is soul. Ataashi means dragon. A bas, which is what your people call me, most closely translates into my language as useless thing. Which is not nice, by the way. Basra, which you have also called me, is a meaner, even less nice version of bas, which Fenris would not tell me. Now a basalit-an is a person the Qunari find worthy outside of their race. Hissera is hope. Kadan is the center of the chest."

He looked at me when I said this word.

"Oh no!" I panicked a little. "Please tell me I did not say something improperly, I mean no offense, I swear. I am so sorry."  
He stopped walking and I did as well.

"Kadan is where your heart lies."  
"Physically, or romantically?"

He seemed puzzled for a moment before nodding.

"Both."

"Oh..." he began to walk and I trailed behind him. "So can you call someone your kadan?"

"Yes."  
He didn't seem keen on discussing the word further so after some time I began to tell him other words I knew.

"You know more then we thought."

"Is that a problem?"

"We will have to mind our tongue around you."

We arrived at my home and I invited him inside. He seemed perplexed by the invitation but came along anyways.

"I will only be a moment. Would you like refreshments?"

He stared at me with his dark eyes.

"You offer me drink?"

"If you are thirsty."

He nodded his head. It was late and I was sure Bodahn was asleep, so I showed the Qunari to the library off the main hall and brought him a small tray of food and a pint of ale.

"The library is at your disposal. I will be back momentarily."

 _Library, several moments later-_

When I returned, I saw the Qunari near the fire, reading a book he had found. I watched him, as his eyes moved quickly from one page to another.

"Found something of interest?" I asked. He looked up at my presence.

"This tome is full of nonsense," he uttered.

I moved closer to see what he was reading. It was a collection of child's stories.

"It is meant to be read to children."

He scoffed and moved to put the book back.

"Why not finish reading it?" I asked as I draped my cloak around my shoulders. He looked at me and then to the book, before tucking it into his belt. I smiled a little at that.

 _Qunari Compound, Docks, Low Town-_

"I summoned you hours ago!" was the first thing from the Arishok's terrifying mouth. I bowed low and spoke,

"I am sorry Arishok, but my appearance was unworthy of you."  
At this he looked at me hard.

"Your entire filthy race is unworthy of me! I care not for your appearance."  
"Then I should have saved myself the trouble and came as I was," I snapped. The Qunari at my side quickly spoke, and I didn't catch any of it. The Arishok looked from him back to me.

"Why was your bodice ripped?" he asked, stepping down from his mighty seat.

"I awoke after fainting, and found it difficult to breath, my corset had become to tight. It was ripped open so I could breath unrestricted once more."

"Why had you fainted?"

"Earlier this day, a man sent an elf child into my bakery to leave a threatening note against me. I convinced the child he could tell me who had hired him, that I would hold no ill will against him and would not seek any penalty. When he spoke out against his employer, a man stepped from the shadows and..." I swallowed hard, not wanting to cry in front of the Arishok. "He...he cut the child's throat. I have never seen, what I mean to say is, that I have never witnessed such violence, let alone death."

"And this caused you to become faint? You are weak."  
I stared at him for a few seconds, trying to reign in my anger. But I failed.

"That boy was not a warrior on some battlefield! He was a _child,_ who was murdered right in front of me! His blood still stains my floor, and I am responsible. So if being upset, or feeling guilty makes me weak then yes. So be it!"

He said nothing as I did my best to glare at him.

"The matter of our account," he looked down at me.

"What of it?"

"I require," he stopped and looked down at me. "More bread."

I had heard he was taking in converts, so his numbers were growing, not dwindling. It made sense.

"Of course," was all I could think to say.

The Arishok shifted his position, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees.

"Why does this man seek to harm you? You do not degrade yourself like the rest of the bas in this city."

I reached into my pocket and pulled out the letter he left for me. I had not read it yet, but when I saw it on Garrett's desk in the hall, I knew it would be my only chance.

"I have not read this yet, Garrett has kept it from me. I intended on doing so after this meeting."

The Arishok took it from my hands and opened it. There were several pages. I heard him snort more than once, but I wasn't sure what for. He finished quickly.

"You have not read this?"

"No," I affirmed for him. He nodded and then quickly tossed it into the large fire.

"Stop!" I yelled. But it was to late. The letter was gone. Burnt. "That was my only chance to find out what he wants!"

The Arishok looked at me, before quickly grabbing my neck and hauling me forward.

"He wants what every male wants. To dominate and subjugate. He wishes to force himself upon you, take your purity, claim you as his."

He was so close to my face, and his hand was tight on my neck.

"That's it?" I spat. "He took a life, because he wishes to bed me?"

He released my neck and boomed,

"This does not bother you?"

"I would have given myself to him to save that boy! What is my purity in comparison to a life?"

"He believes it is worth the life of an elf child and more."

I sighed.

"He will be dealt with according to our laws."

"What?" But I was not given any explanation. "Wait!"

The same Qunari that escorted me in, took my arm and lead me out. He did not release my arm the entire time we walked through low town. Only when we arrived at my door did he free me.

"Panahedan," I said as I gripped the handle on the door.

"Panahedan Helena," he nodded. I was a little taken aback by the use of my first name, but I had little time to dwell on it. The moment I opened the door I heard yelling.

"Something needs to be done about this! She cannot be out all hours of the night Garrett!"

I closed my eyes. It was my mother. The scene in front of me would have been comical had it not been so tense and angry. Garrett was running his hand over his mouth, a nervous habit he had. My mother was pacing, ringing her hands. Anders stood in the corner, looking on with large eyes. Varric was sitting on the edge of Garrett's desk, a mug of ale in his hand. It was he who noticed me first.

"Shall I hire a private guard for her mother?" Garrett snapped.

I shook my head and Varric shot me a wink.

"I hardly think that will be necessary Garrett," I smiled as I walked further into the room, undoing my cloak and hanging it neatly on the hook.

"Helena! By the maker, where have you been? Have you any idea the time?"

"It is late mother, I know. I was in the Qunari compound, discussing business."

I could feel Garrett's eyes on me, dissecting my statement for any ulterior meaning. I nodded once to him, letting him know I was truly alright.

"The Qunari!? Helena..." my mother began to chide me but I cut her off.

"They have been nothing but reasonable with me mother. They even provide an escort for me to and from when the hour is late."

She seemed to relax a little bit at this.

"I am glad to hear they are at least being responsible with you. Maker knows you need more of that here."

And with that little jab she was gone.

"Where is the letter Helena?" Garrett asked as soon as mother was clear of the stairs. "Did you read it?"

I shook my head no.

"I had every intention, but then I found I had to explain my lateness to an angry Arishok, who in turn demanded to know the details of my situation and then he took the letter from me. And burned it."

Garrett let out a breath.

"Thank the maker..."

"What I wonder is why the Arishok is intervening in Helena's affairs," Anders commented.

I pulled a face, I know I did.

"What is it gorgeous?" Varric was looking at me hard.

"I think I may have done something terrible." My decision to explain to the Arishok the curious and dangerous situation I found myself in may have been...ill advised.

"No matter what it is," Garrett came up and cupped my face gently. "I am with you."

I smiled at him and he bumped his forehead gently into mine.

"I told the Arishok of the man who penned the letter, the little I knew, and as he had me removed, he told me the man would be dealt with according to their laws."  
No one spoke and I felt tears well up.

"I am so sorry," I began, my tears falling over. "I did not mean for..." But Garrett hugged me tightly to him.

"You have been through much these last days. Do not trouble your mind with thoughts of Qunari vengeance. The Arishok does as he pleases. And with his vast network of converts, he probably already knew."

I sighed, my breath shaking slightly as I did so.

"Here," I looked over to see Varric holding a wine goblet. I smiled at him and took it gratefully. Wine always settled my nerves.

"Helena, I know this isn't the best time to discuss..." Varric's eyes left mine and he bore down on poor Anders.

"Then take your own advice blondie," Varric practically snarled at him. I set a hand on his chest, to calm him down as I turned slightly to look at Anders.

"It is alright Anders," I smiled at him. "What troubles you?"

"We have a great number of mages who have escaped the circle and are looking for safe passage to freedom."

"The cellar at the shop is at your disposal," I gave him permission to once again use my store to sneak mages and slaves out.

"You are a light in the darkest of times Helena," he nodded.

"Tender heart," Garrett jested at me.

"Remind me of that when I am being beheaded for my crimes," I took a sip of my wine and watched everyone's face fall.

"It was a joke!" I smiled. "A poor one it seems."

"You should retire," Garrett nodded, all the while looking at Anders. I felt a hand on the small of my back and let Varric lead me out of the room. Something was happening between Garrett and Anders, but I had no idea what. It was bad, whatever it was. A tension was there. A stiffness.

"What is happening?" I asked Varric as we went down the hall and towards my room. Wait, how did he know where my room was?

He opened my door and followed me in.

"Has something happened betw..."his mouth was on mine so suddenly that I dropped my goblet. I froze, unsure as to what was happening. I found my mouth replying, with no thought on my part. He pulled me tight to him, holding me in an almost painful way. When he released me, I was breathless and hot. Heat had spiked in me, in a way I had never felt before.

"I was worried about you tonight gorgeous," he confessed. My hands had somehow snaked to the open part of his tunic.

"What is this that you make me feel?" I whispered, looking at him. "I feel as though I am on fire."

His eyes seemed to darken, and a smile replaced his frown.

"Where does this fire burn?" he asked. When I didn't respond, he put a hand just below my breasts.

"Here?" he asked. I shook my head no and he slid his hand lower, stopping in the middle of my stomach. "Here?" I swallowed and shook my head no once more. His hand traveled further down than any man had ever touched, stopping just above my most intimate parts.

"Here?"

"Yes," I whispered, my cheeks burning with embarrassment and something more. His eyes locked with mine as he spoke.

"I don't want to rush you Helena. If you're not ready," he began, but I stopped him with a kiss.

"There has been so much pain, so many ugly things these past months. I wish to have something beautiful," I told him as my hands reached to pull at his tunic. He didn't say anything, he didn't have to.

He skillfully removed my clothing, until I was in nothing. Never had a man seen me so, and I closed my eyes, unsure of where to go from here.

"No," Varric put hands on my face. "Don't you dare close your eyes. You...are so beautiful."

I blushed, and smiled.

"That's the only thing you should ever wear," he grinned. I watched as he removed his clothing, marveling at him. His chest was wide and strong, coated with dark copper colored hair. The trail moved down his body, and my eyes followed it until it met with his maleness. It stood erect, and I froze.

"You will need to guide me," I swallowed, suddenly nervous. "I..."

"Easy baby," he smiled and stepped forward to take my lips in his. His hands wandered until they landed on my breasts. He pinched a nipple and I cried out against his lips, the jolt it sent to my core was unlike anything I had ever felt.

He began walking me backwards, until my legs hit the edge of my bed. I sat, a little awkwardly, but Varric began to crawl on me. He grabbed my waist and took me with him. I marveled at his strength. He was only a little shorter than I was, and easily four times my strength.

I felt his mouth on my knee and the sensation is caused had me making noises I did not know I knew. He slowly brought his kisses closer to where I was longing for him most. When his mouth first touched me, I bucked hard. He laughed darkly before hooking his arms around my thighs and doing it a second time. Only now I could feel his tongue on me. The pleasure was...beyond anything I had ever felt before. And soon it felt like something was coiling within me, close to bursting. I cried out his name as I combusted, my body shuttering.

I was breathing hard, as if I had just run. Varric used the back of his hand to wipe me off his mouth before moving up to kiss me. There was a foreign taste to his mouth now, but it was not unpleasant.

"This part is going to be a little painful," he had a hand on me, fingers searching until they found the entrance. I gasped, the intruding feeling bringing slight discomfort. I gripped his back tight as he moved his fingers with skill. I found the heat had come back, but in a much fiercer way. I found his lips again and kissed him with everything I had.

"By the gods you are so tight," he moaned above me. I rocked my hips, trying to increase my pleasure. He stopped suddenly and pulled his hand from me. I was worried I had done something wrong.

"Are you ready?" he asked, looking at me. I nodded my head, willing to agree with anything he asked me.

I felt discomfort that turned into pain as he entered me. It was uncomfortable, almost unbearably so. I winced, considering asking him to stop. To leave me, but when I saw his face, his eyes closed tight, his mouth slightly open. I knew I could not deny him this. There was a sharp pain that pulled a gasp from me and I closed my eyes once again tightly against the pain.

"Helena?" he whispered my name as he kissed my eyelids.

"Yes my love?" I answered, opening my eyes. He didn't answer, his eyes locked with mine as he slowly pulled himself out of me and then slid back in. I hissed, the pain not increasing, but also not going away. He did it again and again, his eyes never leaving me. A feeling began building along with the pain, dulling it slightly. It was the heat, only now more intense than ever. It felt like I was going to be driven insane by his slow attentions. I began to rock my hips with him, moaning when his mouth descended upon my breasts.

"Varric," I gasped. He began to move quicker, his moans and grunts drowning me out as our bodies moved in harmony. I threw my head back when I was over taken by pleasure. I screamed out wordless nonsense as he dragged it on and on, his thrusts no longer in a rhythm. He let out a shout as he thrust in me one last time, his hands painful on my hips as his own pleasure rode him. He shuttered before collapsing next to me.

I closed my eyes, feeling sleep call to me. The ache between my legs would no doubt be greater in the morning, but it was a small price to pay for what I had gotten in return.

"I love you gorgeous," Varric whispered to me as he laid flush to my back, his hand snaking around my waist.

"And I you."

 _Downstairs-_

"Don't make me do this Anders," Hawke snarled out. "Those plants we collected? They were not for any ritual. I made inquiries."  
"I do not know..." Anders stopped talking when a noise came from the hallway. Hawke seemed to have heard it as well. Soon it was obvious what it was. Anders heard Helena, he would know her voice anywhere. She steadily got louder, and another voice joined her. Varric's. Anders mouth turned into a scowl. He was aware of how aroused he was, after all, how many nights had he laid in his bed and thought of the sounds she would make? Only it was his, not Varric's voice that joined hers. The sound of a bed creaking and wood knocking on stone could be heard, it's intensity slightly frightening. Anders wondered for a moment if he shouldn't go and check on Helena. But then her voice, clear as day cut through the air, pleasure obvious. Varric let out a shout soon after. Anders sent a venomous look towards the hallway before turning and leaving.

Hawke was left standing in the foyer, in disbelief of what he had just heard. He was torn between charging in and murdering his best friend, or letting out a sigh of relief.

"Garrett, what was that noise?" he turned to see his mother on the landing above him. "Was that a shout?"

"Everything is fine mother," Hawke smiled up at her. "Just an argument with Anders."

"I hope you sorted it out," she smiled sleepily at him before leaving. "Good night darling."

"Good night," he called back. He decided to follow her lead. He was tired and this had been a strange night for him.


	6. Chapter 6

**Thanks for all the reviews and Pm's. Keep them coming. Also, things might be a little out of order, but I needed them to be in order for this chapter to work.**

I awoke with a start, unsure of what had caused me to do so. I looked around in the dark, seeing nothing but the smoldering embers in the fireplace.

"What's the matter baby?" Varric sat up next to me.

"I thought I heard," and then it came again. A thud, thud, thud. Like pounding on the door.

"Shit," Varric cursed out as he slipped out of bed and searched for his clothes. I did the same, sliding my night shift on and tugging my robe on after.

"You should wait here," he grumbled as he moved towards the door.

"Not on your life," I replied. I heard his soft laughter as he opened the door. The thudding came again, louder this time.

"This better be good," I heard Garrett snarl out. We met him in the hallway, a torch in his hand to lite the way.

"Were you in the sweet bread again?" I asked him, knowing full well he was. He had no other reason to be in the back hallway. His room was upstairs near mothers.

"I was checking the rear door."

"I'm sure."

The fire was still going in the foyer, and I moved to it quickly to toss some logs on it.

"Announce yourself!" my brother barked when he reached the door. Varric stood behind him, Bianca in his arms, ready.

"Open the damned door Hawke!"

It sounded like Avelene.

Hawke threw open the doors and in came Avelene.

"What's the meaning of this Avelene? It is the middle of the night," Garrett growled out at her. He stood there, shirtless with his breeches hanging low on his hips, sword in his hand. Avelene had a hard time not staring at him.

Varric shook his head and came back to stand near me by the fire.

"Well?" Garrett demanded. "You have woken nearly my entire household."

"Apologies Helena," she nodded in my direction. "Perhaps we should go somewhere private Hawke."

"This is fine," he told her.

I felt Varric snake a hand around my hip. I looked over to see him smiling.

"What are you doing here at such a late hour Varric? Have you taken a bed here as well?" Avelene's eyes narrowed at Varric.

"I have," he replied, grinning. Garrett caught the joke and chortled.

"Hawke, you are to indulgent. You have an unwed sister who may suffer from rumor if he continues to bed down here."

I smiled. Avelene was always trying to protect me.

"Too late," Varric grabbed me and pulled me to him in a kiss that turned my knees weak.

"How DARE you!" Avelene bellowed and charged forward, her face a mask of rage. Varric moved fast, spinning us away from her.

"Avelene!" I called her name. "It is alright."  
"He has no right!" she looked at Varric with such anger.

"He has every right!" I stepped forward, meeting her glare. I watched her eyes soften at me. "I am with him Avelene."

"I had hoped Anders was lying," she said softly. "Hawke, what are you thinking? Allowing Helena to be with him?"

"She is free to choose who she loves. I have no right or desire to control her heart."

I watched her sigh before she turned those intimidating eyes to Varric.

"Hurt her dwarf, and so help me I will remove your head from your shoulders."

"Avelene!" I admonished her.

"Well, it's late and I'm tired," Varric yawned and took my hand. "Let's go back to bed."

I let him lead me away, a small giggle playing on my lips at the wink he shot me.

 _3 weeks later-_

"He better make an honest woman out of you Helena," my mother's face was pulled into a frown.

"Mother," I sighed. But the thought was also on my mind. I had given myself to him, in every way I knew how. It seemed only natural and right that we would wed.

"This isn't right Helena," she would have continued, had it not been for Bodahn bringing in some white flowers. "Well at least he has decent taste."

"I'm sorry miss, these are for the Lady of the house," he held them out to my mother.

"From whom?" my mother asked while smiling.

"There was no name left my lady," Bodahn explained.

"Perhaps you have a secret admirer," I gave her a sly grin and eyebrow wiggle.

"Helena!" she admonished me.

I smiled and came over to smell them.

"It feels good though, to know after all these years I can still catch the eye of a man," she offered, smiling happily.

"As you should, you deserve happiness mother."  
"I am not finished with our discussion Helena," my mother called after me as I headed for the door.

"I will pass your worries on to Varric mother," I called back. Truth be told, I had already discussed this with him. And he managed to dodge around it rather skillfully. I sighed. That had been over eight days ago. I had not seen him or Garrett since.

"Helena," Fenris nodded as I exited my home.

"Fenris," I smiled at him. "Garrett is not here, he is investigating some strange murders or some such horrific thing."  
Fenris nodded his head at me.

"That is not why I have come."

"Oh?"

"My sister Varania, will be in the Hanged Man today."

I looked at him. I knew Garrett had helped him hunt down some magisters who were in the area, but I did not know he had a sister.

"Are you nervous?" I asked.

"I am suspicious," he countered with his deep voice.

"I can go with you, if you like," I offered. "For support."

He looked at me, his eyes never leaving mine.

"Thank you."  
I had to assume that meant yes, and so I followed him. I wonder what she looked like? Would she have white hair like Fenris? Would she be married with children? That made me smile. Nieces and nephews would do Fenris good.

"What are you smiling about?" he asked as we ventured into low town.

"Perhaps your sister has children? I just imagined you with children tugging at your legs."  
He looked at me before making a noise in his throat.

"I do not like children."  
"When I have children, you will see. They are wonderful."

"Why would I care about your children?" he asked.

"Because you'll be like an uncle to them," I replied, waving at a local merchant who called out my name.

"I would be uncle to your children?"

"Of course! You've been with me almost as long as Varric, Fenris. You're family. We may disagree on things, but that does not mean I don't care for you."

He stopped walking and it took me a moment to realize.

"Are you alright?" I asked, looking back at him.

"You consider me family?" he seemed confused.

"Yes, why so surprised Fenris?"

"We...I did not know you cared for me."

"While that saddens me, I am glad you know now. I will make sure you never forget it in the future."

We stood there for several more moments, not speaking. I felt horrible that Fenris did not know he was family. I made a note to do something nice for him, but I would have to think on exactly that would be.

"Fenris, we should hurry," I reminded him.

He said nothing and began walking again. I followed behind him, wondering if he was nervous about meeting with his sister. I was nervous.

We entered the Hanged Man together, and I looked around eagerly, seeing a woman way in the back I did not recognize.

"That must be her," I pointed and moved forward, a smile on my face. As we approached, Fenris said,

"I remember you. We played together in our masters courtyard while mother worked, you called me..."

"Lito, that's your name."  
A few seconds went by and something felt wrong. Very wrong. The Hanged Man was never this quiet. I moved closer to Fenris, my hands gripping his tunic in the back.

"What's wrong, why are you so...?"

"Fenris we need to leave," I whispered to him. He turned his head to look back at me.

"Ah, my little Fenris, predictable as always," a man in expensive robes spoke as he came down the stairs. I felt Fenris tense up, which made fear bloom within my chest.

"I'm sorry it came to this Lito," his sister shook her head. I felt fire erupt in me.

"You led him here!" Fenris hissed at her. I could feel his fear, his muscles tense.

"Now now Fenris, don't blame your sister. She only did what any good imperial citizen should."  
"I never wanted these filthy markings Denarius! But I won't let you kill me to take them."

He laughed at him, making my skin crawl.

"How little you know my pet. Is this your new mistress then? A present from her elder brother?"

I dug my fingers into Fenris's tunic and pulled him hard, putting myself in front of him.

"How dare you! Fenris belongs to no one!" I snapped.

"Do I detect a note of jealously? It's not surprising, the lad is rather skilled, isn't he?"

"You disgusting pig!" I snarled at him

"Shut your mouth Denarius!"

"The word is master," Denarius barked at Fenris. And then everything erupted. Fenris attacked the men with Denarius, and I ran back behind the bar, where the bar keep was cowering. I knew Varric had a long dagger back here, for just such occasions.

"Come out pretty girl," a man called. "You would fetch a fine price back home."

I took a deep breath and jumped out, slashing as I did so. The dagger was sharp and the man's face opened up easily.

"Helena!" I heard Fenris call out to me, and I ran as quickly as I could. Fighting was not something I was well versed in. He was bleeding, and all were dead but Denarius. I wasn't sure if he called out to me for help or to make sure I was okay.

"Fenris, you're bleeding," I gasped when I reached him. I put my hand over a wound on his side and that's when Denarius growled and lunged forward. I pushed Fenris, trying to get us out of the way. Pain bloomed in my lower stomach as I fell.

Fenris was on his feet quickly, and I tried to follow. I put a hand to my stomach and it came away with blood.

"You are no longer my master!" Fenris yelled as he killed Denarius. Then he turned his rage to his sister.

I barely heard the exchange, my head was becoming heavy. But I knew the intent.

"I would have given you everything," he said.

"Fenris, she is your sister," I called quietly. "Your family."

"You are my family," I heard his reply and then nothing.

"Helena," he called my name but I hurt to much to respond.

"What in Andraste's ass happened here?" I smiled as Garret's voice reached me.

"Helena?" Fenris called again, I could hear him moving towards me.

"Helena?!" Garrett's voice changed. "Helena's in here?"

"We need a healer!" Fenris screamed loudly. His face swam into my line of sight.

"You're free now Fenris," I smiled before I couldn't keep my eyes open any more.

 _Hawke residence-_

"Maker, how are we supposed to tell her?" Gamlen's eyes were red rimmed. Helena had been in and out of consciousness for days now.

"I will tell her when she wakens," Garrett nodded, his eyes glassy with unshed tears.

"That poor girl," Gamlen shook his head and walked away.

"Don't go far Gamlen," Garrett called out. "She will need family when she awakens."

"Aye, I need some courage before I walk into that room." And with that Gamlen was gone.

"Hawke," Anders stepped out of Helena's room.

"Has something happened?" Garrett moved quickly to his side.

"No, she is resting. But.."

"What is it?"

"Her wound, the location of it..."

"Anders, so help me.." Garrett grabbed the front of his robes and pulled him close.

"She will never be able to be with child," Anders hung his head. Garrett felt like he had been punched in the gut.

"Are you certain?" he asked, his voice thick.

"Her womb was punctured, it...it would take a miracle," Anders did not hide the tears on his face. "I am so sorry Hawke."

Garrett shook his head and went into her room. Fenris was in the chair, his eyes trained on Helena's sleeping form. Varric was at the window, his shoulders shaking slightly.

Garrett looked down to his sister, his little light. She was pale, with dark circles under her eyes. Garrett felt himself breaking down, he had failed her. He let Carver die right in front of her. Bethany was taken to the circle. Now his mother was dead, and she laid here, fighting for her life. Her body no longer able to bear children.

He was heartbroken.

 _Helena-_

I woke because something was paining me. I opened my eyes and for a moment I was confused. Then it all came back to me.

"Fenris!" I called out, worried about his wound. He was bleeding so terribly.

"I am here," I heard his voice and turned my head. He was standing next to my bed.

"Thank the Maker!" I sighed. "How is your wound?"

"I am healed," he replied.

I nodded.

"How is my wound?" I asked. It hurt, but not as much as I expected.

"The mage has seen to it," he rumbled out. "You are healing well."

"Good," I smiled as I looked at him. "Fenris."  
"Yes?"

"You are free!" I told him.

"Yes."  
"Helena?" I turned my head to see Garrett entering my room.

"Garrett!"

His face was drawn, pale. He looked like he had not slept in days.

"What's the matter?" I asked, forcing myself to sit up. It hurt and everybody moved forward to stop me.

"Enough!" I snapped. "Something is wrong and I demand to know what it is."  
"I don't recommend getting it all at once," Varric was now in the doorway. He looked similar to Garrett.

"Helena," Garrett started, but his voice caught.

"You're mother was murdered by a mage," Fenris crossed his arms. I felt my heart drop.

"What?"

"A mage used her as part of a ritual to bring back his dead love," Fenris added. I knew I was crying, but I still didn't understand.

"Fenris!" Anders yelled. "You ass!"

"Further more," he began, but Anders hit him, causing him to fall onto my bed. But it didn't end there, Fenris bolted up, lunging for him.

"ENOUGH!" I screamed as I threw the covers back, getting to my feet. It hurt, like nothing I had ever felt before.

"Helena," my brother tried to catch me, but I pushed him away.

"No more secrets!" I bellowed.

"Helena, baby, you should lay down," Varric tried to comfort me, but I found myself getting angrier.

"YOU!" now Avelene was in my room. "Bastard!"

At first I thought she was talking about me. But I could see her anger was aimed at Varric.

"Avelene," I tried to make her stop but she was persistent.

"Helena, you will want to hear this," she nodded as she pulled out a letter. "It's from Bogdan Vasca."

I had no idea who that was, but the way Varric reacted had me believing he knew this person.

"Varric," my brother warned.

"In his letter, he outlines his suspicion of your continued relationship with his wife, Bianca."

That name hit me like a punch. I loved Varric so much, but did I have all his love in return? Is that why he had not asked for my hand? Because he loved another?

I felt my tears begin again. My mother was dead, the man I loved, loved another. It was too much. I crumpled and would have fell had it not been for Garrett.

"Everyone out!" he commanded, picking me up bridal style and putting me back in my bed.

"Hawke..."

"I said OUT!"

Everyone left quickly, the door shutting after them. He said nothing as he held me, I sobbed, wishing my mother were here. Knowing I would never be able to see her again, tell her I loved her or listen to scold me.

"Helena," Garrett whispered to me. "I am so sorry. I know it's hard right now, but I have something else to tell you. You're wound, it makes you unable to carry children."

Of course. I found I could not cry anymore.

"This world is to ugly for children anyway," I replied. That's when I felt Garrett begin to shake with tears of his own. I held him tight as he cried.

"It will be alright Garrett," I kissed his forehead.


	7. Chapter 7

**Thanks for the support! Here's the newest. Let me know-**

Garrett and I whispered back and forth to one another like when I was a child. Only back then he was telling me fantastical tales of heroes and monsters, happy endings included. How naive we were back then. How hopeful.

"What will you do?" he asked, his brown eyes meeting my blue ones.

"About which horrible revelation?" I smiled sadly.

"The Varric one," he sighed. I knew this had to be hard on him. Varric was his closest friend.

"I love Varric," I began, thinking. "But if his heart longs for another, I will not stand in his way. Nor will I be a bed warmer until the circumstances are right for him to seek out that love. I deserve to find someone who loves me, and me alone."

Garrett smiled.

"When did you become so mature?" he asked, a small smile pulling on his face.

"Kirkwall does that sort of thing to you."

"It does indeed."

We remained silent for a few moments.

"What do we do now?" he rolled onto his back and looked up at my ceiling, mirroring my position.

"We will mourn mother. I will heal. And we will live lives that she would be proud of."

"Well said."

The door opened without a knock or any announcing presence. Varric entered and shut it after him. He looked first at Hawke and then at me.

"Sometimes I forget how much alike you two really look," he smiled, but neither one of us returned it. "Yeah, I guess I deserve that. But I think I deserve the chance to explain, at least. Right?"

"I have decided that for now, we should be apart," I spoke up. My voice seemed so loud compared to my earlier whispering.

"That's pretty cold," Varric's voice sounded sad. "And a little unfair gorgeous."

"My mother was murdered, my ability to carry child was taken from me and the man I love loves another. I believe I am entitled to be as unfair as I please at the moment."

"Has she been like this the whole time?" Varric was looking at Garrett now. I watched him nod from the corner of my eye.

"It's shock, I think," he replied as he sat up.

"I hope so. She sounds so..."

"Dead," Garrett nodded. "I know. It's frightening."

"Will someone send Fenris in?" I asked, still looking at the ceiling. I had never noticed the delicate vines and little flowers that crept around it's edges. The artist was skilled.

When I heard the door open I said,

"I wish to speak to him alone."

No one spoke back to me, so I assumed they listened. I waited as the door closed and felt my walls fall. I wanted nothing more then to cry, to sob into Varric's arms. Tell him I loved him dearly and that I forgave him whatever slights he had done to me. But I remembered what Varric said to me, all those weeks ago. I was to nice. And so now I was hard.

"You asked for me?" his deep voice startled me. I did not even hear him enter.

"I wanted to thank you Fenris," I smiled a real smile at him. There was no reason to pretend around him. He was not one to tattle like Anders or Avelene or even Varric. I knew what I said to him stayed with him, and him alone.

"There is no need," he held up a hand.

"I believe there is. You tried to tell me the truth, when everyone else coddled me. You are a true friend."  
He nodded, his green eyes never leaving me.

"Have you forgiven the dwarf?"

"Yes, but he does not know it."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Have you forgiven him? He betrayed you, treated you cheaply, made a mockery of your love. He does not deserve a woman like you."

"I forgive him," I began. "Because if I was in his place, torn between two loves, I would choose the greater of the two. Varric loves me."

Fenris snorted in a disgusted way.

"But not the way he loves this Bianca. She is his great love, his true love. And while it pains me, because I thought he was _my_ great love, I understand. And for that reason, I let him go."  
"Let him go?" Fenris asked, pulling a chair up to the edge of my bed. "You are no longer with him?"

"No. I am alone once again."

He reached out and took my hand.

"You told me once that we are family," he squeezed gently. "As long as I breathe, you will never be alone. I am here for you, in your darkest hours and your brightest days. I will be uncle to your children, whether they be of your womb or another. I am forever your kin. Sister."  
I felt tears bubble welling up and leaned over to hug him. He squeezed me tight and I felt everything that had happened come pouring out. Fenris held me, telling me that it would be alright, because it had to be.

"You are strong," he smiled and patted the back of my head as I pulled away. "This will serve as nothing but a test of your resolve and strength. And you will come out wiser and better off for it."  
"I love you Fenris," I smiled. He looked startled but after a moment smiled.

"I can't remember a time when someone said that to me."  
"Well I will say it everyday for the rest of my life. Brother."  
His grin widened.

"Now, you have been in this bed for days. Rise. Stretch. Reclaim your life," he stood and held a hand down for me to take.

"Excellent idea."

 _Two days later-_

I found myself once again before the Arishok. He looked even more ill tempered than usual.

"Bas," he grumbled at me.

"Arishok," I lowered my head for a moment.

"You have proved to be of assistance to me," he stalked down the stairs until he was standing directly in front of me. I had to tip my head back to look into his dark eyes. "Therefore you will be given a choice."  
I felt my stomach drop. It was tense here, more so than ever.

"Neither will bring harm to you, the Qunari do not hurt woman undeserving."

I swallowed.

"What are my choices?"

"Leave this wretched city, today. He will travel with you," I turned to see the Arishok pointing to the same Qunari who had escorted me all those other times.

"Or?" I asked.

"You will be confined to this place."  
I realized now my folly. Had I never asked, I could have just left. But because I did, now I knew something was going to happen. Something bad, and the Arishok couldn't risk me telling anyone what that was. Which meant he was going out into the city. He was going to attack.

"You know my answer before I even speak it," I shook my head. He knew I would not leave my brother.

"I do."

He turned and began to walk back up the steps.

"Since I am to stay, will you indulge my curiosity in a matter?"

He gave an ambiguous hand motion. I surged forward anyway.

"What truly brought you to Kirkwall?"

"A matter of great importance."

"Naturally," I was getting used to the way they spoke. Guarded answers and curt words. "Are you looking for something? Someone?"

He looked at me now.

"Clever thing."

"Clever isn't wise," I retorted back. "What exactly is it that you are looking for?"

"A book."

I had a flash back to the Qunari I left in my library. I bet he scanned every shelf looking for it.

"You suspected Garrett had it?"

"For a time, yes."

Who does have it? And then it hit me. Isabella. She never came anywhere near the compound. Never assisted with an Qunari matter. She must know something, or maybe she even has the damn thing.

"Does Garrett know what you are looking for?"

"Yes."

I considered saying something about Isabella, but I knew better. She would not fare well if they thought she stole from her.

"What are you going to do when you gain control of the city?" I asked, changing the subject. I knew I would not fare well either if he decided to interrogate me.

"You lack faith in the abilities of your fellow citizens?"

"Not at all," I sighed. "But I am not so foolish as to hope beyond a hope. You are big and we are small. There may be a handful throughout the entire city who stand a chance against you."

"A handful?" he looked like he almost smiled. Almost.

"Less than a dozen."

"We shall see."  
"What happens when Garrett comes looking for me?"

"You will be out of sight. Hidden."

"Why?"

"The Qunari do not condone the harming of a woman. I do not want to have to use you to control him. But I will if necessary."

"And I have your word? That you will not harm me unless you exhaust every other possible alternative?"

He pondered on it for a moment before nodding.

"When do you plan to move forward? Soon, I should hope. I do not fancy the idea of sleeping so near the water."

He looked at me then.

"Is is the water that bothers you, or the company?"

"I hold no grudges against the Qunari. You have treated me most fair, Arishok. For that I thank you."

"You are a humble bas. A quality rarely seen in your kind."

I shrugged. He shook his head at me.

"What will you do, when your dwarf comes for you?"

"Excuse me?" I asked, looking at him now.

"The dwarf, the one that fawns over you like a woman. Will you be able to remain hidden without the use of force to keep you there?"

"The dwarf you speak of is Varric. He is not my dwarf, not anymore anyways. And if comes looking, it will be with my brother in tow. I will remain hidden, if it will spare them."  
"It will."

"Then I will be as quiet as a chantry mouse."

He let out a booming laugh, that startled me at first. He was shaking his head, as if clearing him of the laughs.

"You are a humorous woman."

"Thank you, I suppose. I wonder, would I be allowed access to a pen and paper?"

"For what purpose?"

"I wish to write a letter, in case I do not survive. I will give it to you when I am finished. And if I do die, I ask that you have it delivered to the address on it."

"Pragmatic. If I find the contents acceptable, I will allow it."

"That is all I ask Arishok."

He nodded and the Qunari with no name came and gently took hold of my elbow.

"Hello again," I smiled at him. He gave me a slight nod. I took it as a friendly greeting.

"You will be staying in my tent," he informed me. "I have been assigned to you for the longest, and you trust me more than the others."

"Tis true," I nodded. "Thank you, for being kind to me."

"I have never been kind to you," he looked at me with dark eyes.

"You have walked me home when it was dark, seen to my protection more than once. I say that is kind. It's no matter. I've brought you another book."

At this he froze.

"I had hoped I would get to give this to you before I left."

"You told the Arishok you would not go. Have you changed your mind?"

"I am leaving, but not yet. There is a delegation heading to the Temple of Sacred Ashes in a few weeks. I am going with them. This city is...it's not a place for someone like me."  
"You could leave now, I would escort you. You could be away from what is to come."

"I love my brother and what is left of my family. I will not abandon them. Even if it means I may..be harmed in the process."

He shook his head.

"You are an infuriating female! I have offered to leave with you, and you refuse me. I had even gotten permission from the Arishok to ensure your safety, and you turn me away."

I stood there, confused.

"I don't understand..."

"He wishes to be with you," I whipped around when I heard Fenris's distinct voice.

"Fenris?"

The Qunari bellowed out some Qunlat that I did not understand causing Fenris to use his marks and hit him hard. He fell down, and didn't get back up.

"You didn't?" I asked, bending down to feel if he was still breathing.

"No, he lives. We must leave, the Arishok intends on killing you tonight."

"What, he promised!" I took his outstretched hand. And we fled out of the cut Fenris had made in the tent.

"I followed you here, and listened in to your conversation. As soon as you were taken away, he began discussing his plan of attack and how he will most upset the city. He intends on killing the Viscount, and then when Hawke shows up to fight, he will kill you."

"Little liar," I hissed, angry that I believed the stupid Qunari. Fenris came to a blank wall. I watched him skillfully jump and grab the top. He laid down and hung an arm for me.

"You must jump Helena," his green eyes darted behind me and he shook his hand at me. I had never tried this sort of thing. So I backed up and and before I ran forward, noticed a crate. Perhaps of I jumped off it I would be able to reach him. I moved quickly, pulling it into position. Then I heard yelling and ran as fast as my dress would allow. I jumped off and thought I had missed his hand. But just then I felt a steely grip clasp around my wrist. I looked up to see Garrett. He smiled.

"Nice jump," he grinned and heaved, pulling me up far enough for Fenris to get a hold of me as well and they hoisted me together up onto the wall.

"Get your asses moving!" I heard Varric yell from down on the ground. Anders was there as well.

"Jump, I will catch you!" he called. And I didn't hesitate. I jumped to him and he caught me, falling in the process.

"Your dress threw me off," he complained as he helped me to my feet.

"Try wearing it," I grinned at him.

"I've brought you a change of clothes," Fenris took his pack off and pulled out a men's leggings and a male tunic, followed by soft leather boots.

"Quickly, you will not be able to move in that ridiculous dress," he snapped and turned around, as if his skinny body would be a shield to the other. Garrett joined him and it was a big enough wall now that I could do it.

"A little help with the back of the dress," I had barely finished when Fenris turned around and in a flash cut the bindings on the back of my dress. I pulled the leggings up, sighing when it pulled tight around my hips and butt. But it fit. Then the tunic. It was a little low cut for me, but it wasn't indecent.

"I'm good," I called out as I sat down to lace a boot up. Garrett bent down and laced the second. I smiled at him. He winked at me. Then he helped me out and handed my a leather string. I quickly braided my hair back watching as he poured something on my dress. It looked like blood.

"It will look like you were attacked," he nodded.

"That's awful," I turned to face the others. "How do I look? I've never worn man's clothing before."  
"You...ugh...," Anders stuttered.

"He means to say you look fantastic," Varric nodded.

"Thank you," I didn't want him to say nice things to me. Not now.

"Let's get moving," Fenris commanded. "We need all the time we can get with Helena in tow."

"Ooh, you're going to eat your words Fenris," Garrett laughed as they started to run. "She is the fastest runner I've ever seen."  
"Where are we going?" I asked.

"Back to the house."

I nodded and set my mind to it. I passed Varric, then Anders, and Fenris until was I neck and neck with Garrett.

"Holding back for me?" he breathed out, sweat collecting on his brow.

"Would do no good to outrun my protection," I smiled. Low town seemed as normal. But we were almost home when Avelene and a large number of guardsmen stopped us.

"Hawke! I have been looking for you everywhere. Helena? Why are you dressed in men's clothing?"

"Better for running," I offered with a smile.

She narrowed her eyes at me and I smiled bigger.

"The Arishok is harboring fugitives, I am going there now to demand them back."

"Bad idea," I said before I had even thought about it.

"What's this?" she turned her gaze to me.

"Dealing with the Qunari is never a good idea. Especially when the weather is this muggy."

She actually laughed at my recovery, and I sighed. Thank the maker.

"Will you accompany me Hawke?"

I turned to look at him. My eyes saying very clearly he should not.

"Of course! Just let me get my sister home," he nodded.

"I'll wait for you outside the compound."

Garrett nodded.

"Are you crazy!" I yelled. "The Arishok is going to beat you into a puddle."

Garrett tsked at me.

"No faith in your brother. That wounds me Helena."

I bit my lip and then hugged him.

"I have more faith in you then I do in anything else in this world. Maker help the Arishok if he hurts you Garrett. For I will spend the rest of my life finding a way to end his."

"I believe you little light," he laughed and kissed the top of my head where it rested on his chest. "Let's hope it doesn't come to that."

"Before you act, think, what would Helena say? And if you hear me screaming at you, then do not proceed."

Everyone laughed at this.

"I will keep that in mind. Anders," he motioned for Anders to come forward. "Take Helena home, Isabela and Sebastian will be waiting there."

He nodded.

"Keep her safe," Garrett looked him in the eyes and Anders nodded.

"By my life or death."

"It will be, if something happens to her," Varric growled. I walked towards him.

"Please be careful Varric," I whispered to him as I wrapped my arms around him. He hugged me back and for a moment all was well. I was in his arms, and he was in mine.

"Love you gorgeous," he whispered into my ear.

"I love you too," I whispered back. "Come back to me."

"I will."  
I nodded and pulled away from him, but he grabbed me and brought his lips to mine in a searing kiss.

"One for luck," he winked at me. I laughed and shook my head.

"Go," Garrett nodded and took off. I reached for Anders hand and he looked surprised for a moment, but took it with a smile.

"Where is Isabela?" Anders asked Sebastian as we entered my home.

"She is not here. I have not seen her since last night."

"Bitch! She took the book and ran!"

"So she did have it!" I gasped.

"You suspected?" Anders asked, turning those soft eyes to me.

"Yes, but I had no evidence."

He smiled.

"You always surprise my lady," Sebastian nodded.

"What are we to do now?" I asked.

"Make ready to defend this place," Sebastian said.

I nodded and headed through the house.

"Bodahn, Sandal?"

"Here my lady!"

"Mother!"

I hugged Sandal tight and then turned to hug Bodahn.

"Oh, ho. Don't go worrying yourself over little Bodahn and Sandal."

"I want you to hide in the room hidden in the kitchen until all of this is over, do you understand?"

He looked a little worried.

"I love you two dearly, I will not allow something to happen to you. Please, take supplies and weapons and hide. Do as I bid. If all is well I will come to you in the morning."

Bodahn looked hesitant.

"Do it for Sandal," I smiled at the brilliantly simple boy.

"Alright miss," he sighed. "We'll gather some things and be in there before the hour draws."

"Excellent."

I walked away, headed to Garrett's armory.

"Anders, Sebastian," I called. They came to me in moments.

"Oh my..." Sebastian commented.

"I had no idea Hawke was so..." Anders began but I finished for him.

"Paranoid?"

"I was going to say prepared. But that works as well."

I laughed and entered, going for the small dirks and daggers.

"Do you know how to use one of those?" Sebastian asked, standing far to close to me.

"She is better with a bow, are you not?" Anders asked, eyeing the bows.

"Yes," I agreed. "These are for the worst case scenario."

"I am skilled with the bow as well," Sebastian eagerly chimed in. I looked to Anders and he met my eyes and did his best to not snicker.

"Then you will be of great use in the following hours."

"If this war Hawke thinks will happen comes to fruition. I believe he is wrong."

"Oh, do you?" I turned to look at him. Anders was shaking his head.

"He is right, Sebastian, and I know this because I was just rescued from the Qunari camp, where I was being held until my execution."

Sebastian paled.

"They were going to execute you?"

"In front of my brother and whomever was with him when they came to challenge the Arishok."

He opened his mouth to reply when we heard the screams. I sighed and grabbed a quiver full of arrows and the nearest bow. I had never killed anything with it, but I would not allow the Qunari to win. If only because it would make life easier for Garrett.

Banging on the door had me running.

"Helena, wait!" Anders cried as I opened them. It was no Qunari, just scared citizens.

"Come!" I yelled. They began to pour in, woman and men alike. Mostly nobles.

"Remain quiet!" I yelled. "You will attract attention. Everyone remain silent. Sebastian, take these people through the basement and into dark town, they may escape to the coast from there.

"What of you...?"

"Anders and I will be alright," I nodded at Anders and he nodded back. "This is how you help these people. Save them. Take them in groups, leave others to let more in. We will move into the streets and assist there."

He looked hesitant and then nodded.

"May the Maker watch over you. Both of you," he nodded.

"Let's go Anders," I headed towards the door. Anders looked nervous and I didn't blame him. I had never fought at his side. Well I had never fought. But I could shoot a moving target, and that was good enough for me.

There were more Qunari then I thought. Anders ran into the mix, using his impressive magic to strike them down. But he missed one. I took aim with my bow and steadied my nerves. It was this Qunari or Anders. Who did I care for? Not the Qunari. I let lose the arrow and watched it spear through the Qunari's neck from behind.

Anders turned quickly, hearing it's roar of pain. He looked past it to me and nodded his head. I nodded back and began to let lose more and more arrows. Venturing out from the doorway only when my quiver was low to scavenge my arrows back.

"More are coming!" Anders yelled to me. They seemed to be running in, at first I thought it was a charge, but I soon heard my brother yelling.

I changed my position, so I was not shooting directing into the crowd, I did not wish to hit anyone on my side.

"Blondie!" Varric yelled when he saw him. "Where's Helena?"

Anders pointed to where I was letting lose a flurry of arrows into the incoming swarm.

"Helena!" Garrett pointed to something on the roof near me. I ran quickly from my spot turning to aim. On the roof was a saarebas. I was surprised when the arrow I shot at it was easily deflected. And now it's attention was on me solely. I ran as he launched magical attacks at me. I could feel the heat from some of them on my back. I was only just keeping ahead of them. A sudden wave of heat came over me and I was launched into the air landing hard and rolling a few time.

I quickly gained my feet, but realized my bow was broken. All I had were the dirks, and I was no good with them.

"Helena," Fenris was at my side, handing me a bow. "Move, quickly."

I nodded and took the bow. Stringing another arrow. Damn that saarebas. None of my arrows were meeting it's mark.

I crouched down by Anders, who was healing Avelene quickly.

"I can't get an arrow near him," I spat. And then an idea hit me. "Anders, could you use magic on my arrow. Could you spell it?"

He nodded.

"Yes. But we will need to move quickly, we will have to be in the open."

"Ready when you are," I smiled at him.

"Let's go."

We came out from behind our cover, and I let lose an arrow to get it's attention. I heard my brother yelling and then Varric.

"Do it Helena!" Anders screamed as the saarebas surged with magical power. "And by the Maker hit him!"

I let loose my arrow the same time as the saarebas seemed to erupt with some spell. I closed my eyes, knowing I would never make it out of the way in time. But nothing happened. Had I died so quickly?

I opened my eyes and saw the saarebas staggering, with an arrow set deep in it's face. Garrett moved quickly and sliced it's head from it's body. I turned to Anders, who had a similar look on his face. He looked to me and we both smiled at the same time.

"What were you thinking?" Garret looked horribly intimidating as he marched over to me, blood covering him and a small streak across his nose.

"I knew it would work," I smiled.

"Absolutely," Anders agreed.

Garrett looked from the both of us and then smiled.

"Good work," he huffed at us and turned his back. We both let out a breath.

"Thank the Maker that it worked," Anders whispered.

"If if hadn't either the saarebas would have been the least of our worries," I giggled to him. He laughed.

"We need to move!" Garrett yelled and everyone moved. Except for me. I noticed a white dress and dark hair just behind the archway.

"Isabela?" I called. She stepped out from behind the the pillar, toting a large book.

"Is that the book they are looking for?"

"Yes," she sighed. "I'm going to bring it back to them."

"The Arishok will kill you," I warned.

"I know."

"Let me do it," I offered. "He will not kill me. He likes me."

She had left before the events of today. She had no idea what had transpired.

"He does, doesn't he. Are you sure you can convince him?"

"Yes. There is no need for you to forfeit your life."

She nodded and handed me the tome.

"No matter what happens when we get inside, remain silent and let me speak, alright? He isn't fond of thieves or short skirts."  
Isabela laughed as we headed towards the keep. There were bodies all over the place, some were in mages robes, some were guards, some were Qunari. It was ugly. Screaming and crying could be heard all over. The sounds of people dying. It was terrible.

The keep was mostly deserted, we walked through easily. I stopped just outside a room where I could hear Garrett and the Arishok.

"Isabela, wait out here."

"What?"

"Do it! Come in later, but not right away. He will know you stole it."

"Alright!"

I left her and headed in.

"How would you see this conflict resolved without it?"

"I have an idea," I spoke up as I moved through the room. The tome was heavy as I came to stand next to Garrett. "Here Arishok, I have found your book. I think has been unmolested."

His dark eyes bore into mine as he stepped forward to take the book.

"Where in the fade did you find that?" Garrett turned to look at me. Anger and shock written on his face.

"It doesn't matter. I have it now and I gave it back. It's done. No more bloodshed. You can go home Arishok."

"The relic is returned. I am free to return to Par Vollen...with the thief."  
"Oh no no no. That's not how this works," Avelene said, coming forward.

"She stole the tome, she is coming with us."  
"Technically I never stole it. I just returned it," I offered. I could see Garrett flexing his arm muscles.

"She's not going anywhere," Garrett stepped up. "You know damn well she didn't steal it."

"It matters not to me if she is the real thief. She brought it back, hers were the last hands to hold it. She is guilty enough."

"No."

"You leave me no choice. I challenge you Hawke, to a battle to the death. She will be the prize."  
"No! I stole the stupid relic! If you wish to fight, fight me!" I yelled. The Qunari laughed at me, even the Arishok.

"I do not seek to slaughter," he was still laughing at me. "Besides you are unworthy."

I pulled a face at that. Unworthy huh.

"I killed several of your high and mighty Qunari on my way here, including a saarebas. You say I am unworthy, but I think you are afraid. You know how my brother fights, witnessed his strength and weaknesses. But you do not know mine."

"Helena," Garrett turned to me. "Shut your mouth!"

"Shut yours Garrett!" I spat at him. "I am not some feeble minded child. I will not let this animal take you from me. I would rather _die._ "

"If you stand before me, you will die," the Arishok looked at me. "You are a warrior at heart, this I can see. But your skill has not yet matured. I have no desire to take you from this world until you are ready. Step aside."  
I let out a shaky breath. I wasn't going to back down..not to this man.

"I..." and then everything went dark.

When I awoke I was in my bed, light was coming in the windows. I angrily sat up, my head didn't hurt at all, which made me instantly go to magic. Anders had knocked me out. That bastard!

I opened the door and yelled,

"Garrett!"

I heard cursing and then saw him come running down the hallway.

"Helena, you're awake!"

"How could you?" I seethed.

His smiled slipped into an angry line.

"You were out of line! You never stood a chance against the Arishok and you damn well knew it! I wasn't going to stand there and let my little sister be...slaughtered in front of me!"

"You crushed me," I whispered. "The Arishok was kinder in his words then you!"

Garrett sighed.

"Dammit Helena, what did you want me to do?"

"Believe in me!"  
His shoulders slumped and he shook his head.

"I did what I had to do, to keep you safe. Hate me if you like."  
"I am leaving with a caravan to the Frostbacks in less than a fortnight. The Temple of Sacred Ashes has been rebuilt and I will rest with the sisters there."  
"Helena," he sighed, as if he thought I was just testing him. I walked back into my room, finding my letter of acceptance from the Reverend Mother of the temple. I walked back into the hall and handed it to him. He read it quickly and closed his eyes.

"Why are you doing this?"

"Because I cannot live in your shadow anymore," I looked at him. "I am not known for my own deeds, but for those of my brother. Even the man I fell in love with is _your_ best friend. I seek an identity free of Hawke and Amell. I wish to be Helena. And I will not find that here in Kirkwall."

For the first time I watched his eyes go cold towards me.

"Fine! Go. Become what you wish! But do not dare to call upon me for assistance, for I would not wish to smother you with my name and my titles!"

He was screaming now, the chords in his face and neck standing out with the strain. I shook my head at him. It was not meant to hurt him, even though he had hurt me. But I sighed and headed back into my room. I heard him hit the wall before stomping out the front door.

"Lady Helena?" Bodahn came running to my room. "Thank the stone. I thought he had struck you."  
"I am alright Bodahn," I smiled at him.

"I heard you are leaving to the Frostbacks. Would it be too much trouble to ask if we may accompany you?"

I looked at him for a moment.

"You wish to come to the Temple of Sacred Ashes with me?"

"No, no. There is a small town there called Haven, nestled into the mountain. Good place. Not nearly as dangerous as here. A good place to set down roots for me and the boy."

I nodded.

"Of course. I will have you added as my protection, and then no one will be the wiser."

"Very good," he smiled at me.

"Something else?" I asked.

"I have a friend, that is, if you wish to stay else where until we begin the journey."

The idea had crossed my mind. Garrett needed time, and perhaps he needed that time alone without me to come to terms with it.

"Yes, that would be wonderful."  
"Excellent. I shall arrange everything. Have your things ready before lunch."

I nodded and pulled out my trunk. I thought the only other time I would need this is when I married and moved into my husbands house. How naive I had been.

I packed up the majority of my things. I ventured into mothers room and took her necklace, the one father had given her. Then I went into Garrett's room. I found his red scarf, the one he wore all the time. I took it and closed my eyes.

"Time to be setting off," Bodahn came to collect me.

"Alright."

"He will see reason my lady."  
"Yes, but at what cost?" I whispered.

As I walked out I took one last look at my home, and then set the letter I had penned for Garrett on the table. I cried as I walked out of our home.

 _12 days later-_

It was the eve before I was set to leave and I was double checking my things when I heard people speaking down stairs. Bodahn had quit as Garrett's man servant and was now peddling his wares in the dwarvin common. I knew he was careful, I was sure Garrett was looking for me. I was surprised I had managed to give him the slip for this long.

I opened my door and came out onto the landing to look down over the store. I expected Garrett or Varric. Even Fenris. But it was Anders. He looked up and grinned at me. He ran to the stairs and then up them until he reached me. I did not expect him to embrace me so brazenly. And when his lips met mine, I went stiff.

"I have been worried sick," he kissed me again. "I don't care that I am not supposed to do that. I don't care that you don't love me like you love Varric. I don't care. Because I love you. And I have from the moment you walked into my clinic and smiled at me. And you are leaving tomorrow and I may never see you again, this is my chance. My only chance."

I smiled at him and felt tears hit my eyes. Of everyone who said they loved me so much, he was the only one to seek me out before I left. He was the only one. I leaned and kissed him back. He seemed surprised but didn't shy away. Instead he moved us into my small room.

"They told me to leave you alone," he mumbled between kisses. "But how could I?"

"I am glad you didn't," I smiled at him reaching for where his tunic met his pants. "Lie with my tonight Anders. Love me."

He smiled at me, and unfastened his belt.

"I will show you love Helena," he kissed me again. "You will leave knowing you are treasured and loved."

I helped him removed his robe and then his tunic. I kissed his chest as he made quick work of my simple dress. We fell into my small bed, all legs and arms. Kissing, touching, grasping. Anders was different from Varric. Anders hands shook as he touched me, and tears welled in his eyes when I was naked before him.

"You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen."

I kissed him, pulling him close to me. To feel his body on me, his weight. I felt him slip a hand between us and touch me. I gasped, having not been touched in so long.

"I love you Helena Hawke," he whispered as he slid into me. I arched my back at the feel of him inside me. He was bigger than Varric, and much more in tune with my body then he. He touched my everywhere I wanted to feel him, he rocked in and out of me, looking into my eyes as he pleased me.

"Tell me what you want," he kissed the hallow beneath my ear.

"Harder, please, faster!" I begged him. He smiled and kissed my lips.

"As my love commands!"

And his hips picked up pace until he was moving to fast for me to keep up. So I just held onto him, letting him have me. He grunted out something inaudible and grabbed the headboard above us.

He sent me a smile that made me melt and began slamming into me using the headboard for leverage. I cried out feeling my release upon me, but it didn't stop. Anders kept making it come, until he had his own release.

I lay next to him, listening to his breathing, wondering if I should feel guilty for this. Had this been a betrayal to Varric? Then I laughed. We were not together. It didn't matter what I did now.

"What is so funny my love?" Anders kissed the side of my head.

"For a moment, I worried that I had betrayed Varric. And then I remembered that I no longer cared."

"He cares deeply for you," he sighed. "Enough that he was despondent when Hawke told him you were leaving Kirkwall. He wished to go and find you. Talk it out. But Hawke told him to leave you be."  
I was silent for a time, thinking.

"It's eating him up," he spoke as he kissed my shoulder. "But his pride will not allow him to come to you. Even after he read your letter, and though when he is drunk enough he will cry when anyone mentions your name."  
"That's..."

"He is frightened," Anders looked at me. "That you would call him brother no more, family no more. So he drinks and fights and fucks every chance he gets. To drown out the pain."  
"I will write him once I reach Haven and the Frostbacks."  
Anders looked far away.

"What troubles you?" I asked.

"I am going to do something terrible," he looked far away. "To save the mages. To free us all."  
"What is chaos to the fly is normal for the spider," I offered.

"I don't know what that means," he laughed.

"It is normal for people like me, non mages to look on and see the Circle and the Templars as normal. But for mages, I am sure it is chaos. They are forced to live a life they never wanted, under constant supervision like misbehaving children. Not allowed to make important life choices."

He nodded.

"You are perfect in every way Helena, don't you change," he kissed my nose and then my lips. "And I will have you many more times before dawn creeps over the water and takes you away from me."

 _The next morning-_

I assumed Anders would be gone but he wasn't. His hair was all over the place when he woke feeling me move.

"I would ask for one more round, but I feel as though I would shame myself."

"I would not be able to walk if you were to bed me even once more," I smiled.

"Is that so?" he asked, sitting up. "Then perhaps I should give it a try. I have gray warden stamina after all."

I laughed as he pulled me to him once more.

"Why can it not stay like this?" he whispered as he slid into me. And began to move slowly. "You and me, no mages, no templars."

I sighed and grabbed his buttocks. He grinned at me and picked up the pace. I was there in no time and he followed.

"I will remember this night for as long as I live," he whispered as we dressed one another.

"As will I," I smiled and hugged him again. "Anders...this terrible thing you are doing, if people are hurt then it will stay with you for the rest of your life. You will owe it to them to make this work, whatever it is."

He nodded and kissed the top of my head.

"May we meet again someday," he smiled.

"If not, then I will seek you out in the fade," I smiled.

"And I you."

He helped me carry my things and even got me out onto the cart. We didn't kiss again, only hugged and waved. I cried as the wagons pulled us away from Kirkwall, and I watched as Anders became smaller and smaller.

"It will be alright miss," Bodahn smiled. "We are on the first part of a new journey."  
I nodded.

"You're absolutely right Bodahn."

 _Part two of this story will be listed under another name on my page. Look for it there. Let me know what you all think so far!_


End file.
